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Relationships: Importance of Forgiveness?

post #1 of 16
1/9/10 at 5:07pm
Thread Starter 
I'd like to put this out here to ask what people think about the importance of forgiveness in relationships. There was a time in my life when I carried several grudges, against members of my family, co-workers, forum posters, anyone whom I felt had done me wrong (whether they had indeed done so or not). Eventually I got some therapy, and got to the point where I forgave my grudges, and geared my life toward not starting any others. I found that I was much happier, more confident, and noticed a substantial improvement in the quality of my life and my relationships. I had a much better tolerance for risk, and learned not to fear things that were beyond my control.

In this renovated life, I met and married a beautiful, wonderful woman. When times are good things are GREAT, but slowly, I became aware that she held grudges, that in many cases, she seemed unable to forgive. I know that her parents divorced badly when she was young, and I can sense that there's a long-standing obstacle in their relationship. Lately, things between us have become strained, and I start to see the same attitude developing toward me. I don't want these attitudes or this type of behaviour in my life, and I don't want it for the lives of my family, if we do have a family.

My question then is this: I experienced a significant benefit in my life by embracing forgiveness, and making it a way of life. I'm not talking about being a pushover, or a target - if I'm wronged or cheated, I'll still fight for an appropriate remedy.

I wonder if others have done the same thing, and had similar experiences. I'd like for my wife to experience the same benefits that I have from having embraced forgiveness, but wonder if my results were unique, or if indeed this is a worthwhile effort.
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post #2 of 16
1/9/10 at 5:52pm
My current gf has the same forgiveness problems you describe, and it's hard for me to relate because I never had anybody wrong me to a significant degree in my life. She does seem to take it to an extreme though like you describe, immediately getting hostile if I even remotely address something related to the topic of her parents. The problem is that women enjoy their emotions, if they're pleasant or unpleasant, so I don't think forgiveness something they can do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smartalox View Post
I'm not talking about being a pushover, or a target - if I'm wronged or cheated, I'll still fight for an appropriate remedy.
All this talk about standing up for yourself is overrated in my opinion. As I'm beginning a law career, I've made it my goal not to get irritated by other lawyers or clients... which is a pandemic problem in the field. It's extremely hard to get angry at someone who insults or slights you, especially in this context where all the parties are intelligent and should know better. The key thing to remember I think is who the person who wronged you really is... most likely if they're a lawyer then they are an ex-nerd who just isn't that competent socially... I've had plenty of friends who insult me or talk like smart-asses but it's ok because I know they're just idiots.

But I make it my goal not to get angry or offended, and sometimes the wisest thing to do is let yourself be a pushover. People close to you don't really notice or care what the world throws at you, they care how you react... if your future kid watches you get beat up on the street, what he'll remember is if you came home composed and relaxed, rather than seething or despondent.

Ultimately it's all about being above your ego, which has been known to be the key to happiness ever since the time of Gautama...
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post #3 of 16
1/9/10 at 7:30pm
I went through a similar thing, years ago. now I try really really hard not to carry any grudges. my father abandoned me when I was a teenager, no grudge. bad bosses, no grudge. various other shit, not grudge. it is simply a much better, healthier way to live life.

my sister is a ball of rage, and I think it has destroyed her life. my mother seems to be full of grudges and spite, and it is making her loose friends. I agree with you 100% on the importance of forgivness in a happy life.
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post #4 of 16
1/9/10 at 7:42pm
Tough situation. The question is whether your woman will ever mature past this phase. Plenty of people do through their 20s. But it seems to me impossible to predict. Once a person hits their mid-20s, the majority of their behavior/personality is there to stay.

I agree with Globe about the perniciousness of this life-outlook. Ive encountered plenty of these people. Their satisfactions and goals always seem to be dependant on other people and outside situations, they choose to orient much of their lives in terms of conflict and victimization. That's not to say theyre not fundamentally decent people, and don't posses many other wonderful traits...

Really the only useful piece of advice I can give you is don't start popping out babies until you feel more comfortable in this relationship than you currently do...
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post #5 of 16
1/9/10 at 8:51pm
I'm not a psychologist, but I think resentment and an inability to forgive are direct results of taking life and yourself too seriously. I have one friend like this, she keeps a mental scorecard of every person she's ever known: every favor she's ever done for them, what they have or haven't done for her, etc. It's pathetic, and I can't stand being around her for more than a few hours at a time. I keep trying to talk her into trying cannabis, but because of the same disease she won't loosen up and allow herself to. It's amazing that people who refuse to try it are the ones who could benefit most from it.
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post #6 of 16
1/9/10 at 9:30pm
Only bitter people don't forgive. If someone is truly sorry you move on, but not forget.
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post #7 of 16
1/9/10 at 11:22pm
I forgive 99.9% of everything but never forget. There is a line, though, where unconditional forgiveness just makes you a sap.
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post #8 of 16
1/10/10 at 12:50am
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post #9 of 16
1/10/10 at 1:02am
^^^ I think I'll go back to just looking at her. I'd be more inclined to think 3:35 was pretend bad singing if there was any indication she was capable of better.
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post #10 of 16
1/10/10 at 1:22am
Forgiveness is one of those things I believe everyone needs to learn and use. If someone wronged you intentional or not, it will hurt you more in the long run if you were to hold on to these things. Forgiveness is IMHO one of the toughest things to learn in life because no one likes to feel hurt, used, etc. I agree for the most part that women hold on to grudges more then men but I have met men that are just as bad or even worse with holding grudges. The amount of time spent thinking about it, churning in your head, reliving it over and over again is not only a time killer, it builds enormous levels of stress and evenly leads to resentment when even the slightest thing would tick you off. It is not easy and even people that have learned forgiveness and all that it is will still get upset and pissed when they are wronged but they will know how to deal with those emotions of hurt, pain, hatred, revenge, and the thought of how can someone treat you as bad as they did. Forgiveness is not easy but for you to forgive and move on is the only way to live you can a happy and successful life.
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post #11 of 16
1/10/10 at 3:02am
I think in order to forgive, first you have to understand. The reason people can`t forgive others is because they don`t try to understand the other side, and are only viewing things through their own eyes.
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post #12 of 16
1/10/10 at 3:20am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragon View Post
I think in order to forgive, first you have to understand. The reason people can`t forgive others is because they don`t try to understand the other side, and are only viewing things through their own eyes.

That work sometimes but other times trying to understand will not work because some people are just the way you are. No matter how hard you try to understand, you will never get to a reason that is satisfactory. The only thing you can control in life is you. Sometimes you will be screwed, taken advantage of, cheated on, made fun of, etc. the list goes on. Only you can control your reaction and for the most part forgiving and moving on is the key to rising up and be in a good state of mind.
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post #13 of 16
1/10/10 at 4:56am
Quote:
Originally Posted by HitMan009 View Post
That work sometimes but other times trying to understand will not work because some people are just the way you are. No matter how hard you try to understand, you will never get to a reason that is satisfactory. The only thing you can control in life is you. Sometimes you will be screwed, taken advantage of, cheated on, made fun of, etc. the list goes on. Only you can control your reaction and for the most part forgiving and moving on is the key to rising up and be in a good state of mind.

As you point out, the only thing you can really control is yourself. Understanding someone else (or their actions) is basically just a matter of controlling your own mind, your own thoughts, your view of something. Once you understand (not necessarily agree with) someone else or their actions, you can easily forgive.
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post #14 of 16
1/10/10 at 5:01am
Words I live by:

Forgive: As I ask to be Forgiven.

Forgive my Trespasses as I forgive those that Trespass against me.
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post #15 of 16
1/10/10 at 8:57am
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
I went through a similar thing, years ago. now I try really really hard not to carry any grudges. my father abandoned me when I was a teenager, no grudge. bad bosses, no grudge. various other shit, not grudge. it is simply a much better, healthier way to live life.

my sister is a ball of rage, and I think it has destroyed her life. my mother seems to be full of grudges and spite, and it is making her loose friends. I agree with you 100% on the importance of forgivness in a happy life.

Agree on not holding grudges. BTW: My mother is exactly the same way: Until Christmas she refused to even speak to her own sister! Seems to have smoothed it over for now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by x26 View Post
(...)

Forgive my Trespasses as I forgive those that Trespass against me.

I was just thinking about those words this week.
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