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Completely won over a girl's heart and then put myself in the "friend zone." - Page 3

post #31 of 73
It sounded a lot better as 'beat yourself off over her'.

Edit: damn the page break.
post #32 of 73
you didnt 'completely win over her heart', you 'hooked up once' and then she got all nervy about the ex. Get out of her way and make her either miss you or forget you. Don't play snugglebitch for her.
post #33 of 73
Me, "I totally empathize. I'm very much in the same place and have no interest in pushing things so suddenly. I definitely dig on you like that, but don't have the time nor interest in jumping into a relationship quickly. If you would like to continue things casually as we had been, I'm down. I am in no hurry and have a lot going on in my life, as prefaced earlier."

Do you actually talk like this?
post #34 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy_footprints View Post
Preferably, the subject line of this would have read: Completely won over a girl's heart and then put myself in the "friend zone." Should I talk to her and explain?

So, I have found myself in a strange situation.

Two weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of a girl in a bar that I found absolutely gorgeous. She was just about to get into a cab, so I quickly grabbed a cocktail napkin, jotted down my name and number, and rushed out to hand it to her as she was just getting in. I looked her straight in the eyes and sincerely said something to the effect of, "I never, ever, do this sort of thing, but my name is Derrick and I would love an opportunity to take you out sometime." She gave me a coy, doe eyed smile and was totally caught off guard, yet clearly flattered.

Half an hour later, she sent me a text message saying, "wow, no one has ever done that before... given me their number."

So for the next two weeks, we exchange a series of flirty text messages, add each other on Facebook, etc. Clearly a strong mutual interest between the two of us.

On NYE, I was hosting a party at my place. I invite her out, and she accepts. She comes, she's just as beautiful as I had remembered. We kiss at midnight. Talk for awhile. She grabs me and leads me to the bedroom. We kiss more, intensely, passionately, we express how much of a strong attraction we have for one another between kissing. She says how attractive and appealing my boldness was in giving her my number like that. Then she left, but was followed by more text messages throughout the night that she was craving more from me.

We hang out the next day for what was intended to be more of a proper date, but totally neglected that fact that real restaurants are closed on New Years Day, so we meet up at a more casual place, talk for awhile, and then head back to my place together. I opened a bottle of wine, we continue the conversation, and as it turns out, she's actually a very intelligent and engaging girl that I quickly found myself falling for. We snuck in spurts of kissing during the conversation, but kept going back to talking because there was clearly a strong connection. Eventually, the kissing trumps the conversation and things naturally heat up from there. After about an hour or so of really good sex, we lay in bed spooning and talking for hours, sneaking in kisses, and just enjoying one another's company. By this point, I had fallen pretty hard for the girl and the feeling was clearly mutual given the tone of the conversation. 5:30 in the morning, I drive her home, we hug and kiss passionately as she gets out of the car. I go home, totally smitten.

More flirty texts, Facebook status updates, comments, etc...

Two days later (last night), we make plans to grab coffee. She meets me at my place, and we immediately strike up fun conversation. I wanted to embrace her and say, "Hello, beautiful" and kiss her, but I didn't... I feared coming on too strong as both of us had recently came out of relationships, so I kept it casual. Casual all night. We got coffee to go, head back to my place, and just talk but all the conversation was fun, intelligent, and enjoyable. I knew we only had an hour as she had plans for yoga, so I didn't try to push anything physical. She had also made mention the day prior of getting her period, and then made subtle references such as "ugh, I hate the feeling of cramping..." and "I always crave ice cream at this time of the month." So that coupled with the reticence of not wanting to come on too strong, I kept everything casual and friendly. As the hour drew to a close, I offered to drive her home, and kiss her gently on the lips twice as we're going out the door just to reaffirm my interest in her "like that." It was the first and only physical interaction of the night. Something felt amiss... I drive her home, she gets out of the car only giving me a hug and thanking me for coffee. That confirmed my suspicion of something not feeling right.

I waited a few hours, sent her a fun, tongue-in-cheek text message referencing from our conversation earlier in the night. She responded pleasantly to it. And then I get, verbatim:

"btw i apologize if i seemed distant or off putting earlier. i really really enjoy our conversation and think you are a wonderfully great guy and i dont want to assume anything on how you feel. but i just want to make it clear that i am not looking for a relationship or anything serious." I am sorry if i let things go too far but i dont regret our night a few days ago. i don't want to lead you on."

I respond with, "I was certainly open to entertaining the idea of going further. But caught that impression from you earlier, so I acted awkward and stilted as a result. I did rather enjoy the other night, and thought we had something there for a moment."

Her, "I think we have chemistry its just that i just got out of one serious relationship after another and i want to be single and experience that and meeting people and being young yada yada yada. i never intended to make you feel awkward."

Me, "I totally empathize. I'm very much in the same place and have no interest in pushing things so suddenly. I definitely dig on you like that, but don't have the time nor interest in jumping into a relationship quickly. If you would like to continue things casually as we had been, I'm down. I am in no hurry and have a lot going on in my life, as prefaced earlier."

Her, "I just want to be friends for now honestly. i think for one reason or another i realized that today. in my book honesty is the best policy and i feel comfortable enough with you to be candid and share what i am feeling. I think you have many attractive qualities and i feel a connection with you. I am just not sure it is a romantic one."

Me, "I fault myself for that. I felt a definite attraction toward you, but kept my distance tonight because I didn't want to force it too much provided everything else. I do appreciate the honesty." Any how, "I'm not one to belabor, make excuses, or force anything. I just wanted to share my sentiments with you regarding the issue."

So that brings me to where I am now. Totally hung up on this girl, knowing she felt the same for me just two days prior, and not sure if I can rectify my mistake of being too casual and friend-like last night. Replaying last night over and over in my mind, I just keep thinking about how I should have been more forward and amorous, continuing from the momentum of the other night we shared.

I am somewhat confused about how to proceed. Would it be a poor move to text her later today with, "Mind if we meet up and talk for a minute?" and just pour out how I feel? I don't want to scare her away, but I want to keep seeing her and maintain that same amorous connection we had just two days prior.

girls are weird.

just dont let her find this on the internet. she seems savvy enough
post #35 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by m@T View Post
you didnt 'completely win over her heart', you 'hooked up once' and then she got all nervy about the ex. Get out of her way and make her either miss you or forget you. Don't play snugglebitch for her.

Bingo. Wait a few weeks, and then invite her out with friends. Focus your attention on other women. Wait for her to become jealous. Profit. Or, if profit doesn't follow, end it permanently. She's not into you. Pouring out your heart to her will only make her back even further off.
post #36 of 73
My advice would be to be cold for sometime and then do something out of the blu,the way you came out of nowhere and gave her your number.She wants more of that and maybe it died down abit...I am sure you will be back in no time.
post #37 of 73
And STOP WITH THE TEXT-ING!!! WTF!! Pick up the phone and call the bim!
post #38 of 73
I'm not the biggest authority on this, but I would quote one of the best lines (and one of the handful I might consider using) from the pickup artist community.
When you get the LJBF (let's just be friends) speech,
"Friends I have - that's not what I'm looking for. I really thought we had something going here, and I want to see it through." Then blow her off for a few of days (I don't hold with advice so far to blow her off for a few weeks (or months!).
I also agree with the whole PMS thing fucking things up.
post #39 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube View Post
You recommend what? Beating yourself up over a girl? Or coming back from the "friend zone"? .
Coming back from the friend zone. Not to "get the girl" (in this particular case the "get the girl" thinking is the root cause of the problem), but to simply reverse the situation, so that she is interested in you sexually again. That she is chasing you, that the power is tipped back in your favor. If you knew how to get yourself out of the friend zone, why would you get yourself in it in the first place?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube View Post
There are way too many women in the world who will give you what you're looking for — with no strings and no expectations — to ever beat yourself up over her.
That is true, but the fault here lies with the OP. People tend act in patterns, and if he doesn't figure this out the scenario will be reenacted, not with "too many women in the world", just the ones that he truly wants...
post #40 of 73
First, I think that it's totally a misnomer that every girl is always looking for a relationship. There are guys that run completely against the stereotypical "hit it and quit it" mentality; there are girls that run agains the traditional "I want to be in committed relationship at all times in order to feel secure" stereotype. She may actually just not want a relationship.

Second, you came on ridiculously strong. If you came in for a job interview and came on that strong, spending the entire time gushing about how great my company was, about how you dream about getting this job, about how much you enjoy spending time in this type of environment, etc, I would immediately take that to mean that you believe this job is a big step-up for you; a little out of your league. On the other hand, a good candidate makes me want to sell them on my company and makes me concerned that I might be competing against other companies for their services. It's just a subtle difference. Your actions suggest you wanted to jump in full-bore with somebody you had just met, which suggests that you think she's out of your league a little bit. Maybe she is and that's fine - just don't be so obvious and forthright about that.

Cool girls don't like it when you come on that strong. Period. See Draper, Don for a lesson on how to leave them wanting more from you (and therefore keeping girls interested). Just don't be as big a dick as Don Draper.
post #41 of 73
Shit happens. I had a very similar situation happen to me. In the harsh light of day, the infatuation and imeadate lust gave way to something else. A couple of days after months of courtship when from, I had such a great time last night, to lets just be friends. It happens, move on. Your not going to get her back. I tried just being a friend, but it never works, you cant causally slip a couple of weeks later a date into the mix and all the sudden all is forgotten.

Best bet, she had fun, had a great time, great sex, but either 1) is mentally or physically taken by someone else, or 2) shes just not that into you, and instead of dating for a month to find that out, you hooked up right away which makes it move too fast. She may dig you, seem compatible, but you just didnt have that electric, butterfly in teh stomach spark that all girls seem to feel they need.
post #42 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjg22 View Post
First, I think that it's totally a misnomer that every girl is always looking for a relationship. There are guys that run completely against the stereotypical "hit it and quit it" mentality; there are girls that run agains the traditional "I want to be in committed relationship at all times in order to feel secure" stereotype. She may actually just not want a relationship.

Second, you came on ridiculously strong. If you came in for a job interview and came on that strong, spending the entire time gushing about how great my company was, about how you dream about getting this job, about how much you enjoy spending time in this type of environment, etc, I would immediately take that to mean that you believe this job is a big step-up for you; a little out of your league. On the other hand, a good candidate makes me want to sell them on my company and makes me concerned that I might be competing against other companies for their services. It's just a subtle difference. Your actions suggest you wanted to jump in full-bore with somebody you had just met, which suggests that you think she's out of your league a little bit. Maybe she is and that's fine - just don't be so obvious and forthright about that.

Cool girls don't like it when you come on that strong. Period. See Draper, Don for a lesson on how to leave them wanting more from you (and therefore keeping girls interested). Just don't be as big a dick as Don Draper.

post #43 of 73
Also, it's weird that she told you she was on her period. I'm thinking she worked it into the conversation in order to put the kibosh on anything physical she might have thought you were planning. Which suggests she likely regretted hooking up with you in the first place and your ship had likely sailed prior to meeting for coffee.

And girls can (and often do) act crazy at that time of the month - but I've generally found that isn't the case when you first start hanging out. They're usually still trying to impress you at the beginning - it's not until she gets completely comfortable and lets her guard down (usually after month 4 or 5) that you start getting the sense when that time is (through her actions, or her telling you).
post #44 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by jgold47 View Post
I tried just being a friend, but it never works, you cant causally slip a couple of weeks later a date into the mix and all the sudden all is forgotten.

You're right, you can't do something like that, it's incredibly creepy.

You need to embrace the friend thing, even more than her. But at the same time make yourself less available (turn down the texting/calling - don't hang out more than a few hours at a time), turn up the cockiness a bit, tease her, playful touching that is non-sexual, thumb-wrestling, silly board games, etc. Make it fun, not deep emotional stuff. If she starts to talk about men she's seeing act unaffected, even give advice (always say stuff like "wow, he seems like such a _nice_ guy"), then talk about women you're seeing.

It takes time. At least a month or two. Then sooner or later, she might invite you over for dinner. And then after dinner you may find her emerge from her bedroom in a robe, and then...
post #45 of 73
Sorry to hear this. I tend to agree with the overall opinion that she doesn't want a relationship and there is nothing you can do about it. Suggestions about falling back seriously for a few weeks or months seem reasonable. Perhaps that way you might be able to salvage something casual out of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy_footprints View Post
Me, "I totally empathize. I'm very much in the same place and have no interest in pushing things so suddenly. I definitely dig on you like that, but don't have the time nor interest in jumping into a relationship quickly. If you would like to continue things casually as we had been, I'm down. I am in no hurry and have a lot going on in my life, as prefaced earlier."

More generally, I would strongly advise against messages such as this one. The part where you explain how much you got going on in your life is especially problematic.

You are a man, let your actions speak. Remember what you did when you first met her? It was not the well constructed syntax of your message that got you in the game.
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