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How much should I tolerate a hostile drunk?

post #1 of 20
12/23/09 at 3:09am
Thread Starter 
I'm not a big drinker, but even the few times I've gotten very drunk, I've always been well aware of what I was doing and saying. My sister on the other hand got drunk a few nights ago and was a complete as$hole like I've never seen before... bringing up a bunch of $hit from the past and harassing people, me included, who did no provocation at all. I'm wondering how much should I tolerate it? Is it really possible for some people, especially women, not to have control over what they're saying when they're drunk? My other theory is that she's just evolving into her adult personality which I guess is that of a bitch.... it's a real pity because she had always been nice when we were younger...

You don't need to go into the issue of whether one was irresponsible for getting drunk in the first place, just the control over hostile statements made while drunk.
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post #2 of 20
12/23/09 at 3:10am
When I get drunk I ask people if they want to see my cock.

So... that's that.
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post #3 of 20
12/23/09 at 3:22am
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwilkinson View Post
When I get drunk I ask people if they want to see my cock.

So... that's that.

That's a real cock and ball story.

OP, I too have a problem figuring out how much I should tolerate hostile drunks. My roommate from freshman year who I still hang out with, not sure why, is a humongous douchebag when he gets drunk. I have come very close on numerous occasions to punching him in the face. My friends all stopped me before I did anything beyond antagonize him verbally. I just can't figure out when it's acceptable to actually get hostile back though.
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post #4 of 20
12/23/09 at 3:45am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Svenn View Post
I'm not a big drinker, but even the few times I've gotten very drunk, I've always been well aware of what I was doing and saying. My sister on the other hand got drunk a few nights ago and was a complete as$hole like I've never seen before... bringing up a bunch of $hit from the past and harassing people, me included, who did no provocation at all. I'm wondering how much should I tolerate it? Is it really possible for some people, especially women, not to have control over what they're saying when they're drunk? My other theory is that she's just evolving into her adult personality which I guess is that of a bitch.... it's a real pity because she had always been nice when we were younger... You don't need to go into the issue of whether one was irresponsible for getting drunk in the first place, just the control over hostile statements made while drunk.
Dude... the fact that she's your sister puts a very different wrinkle on that story. Ordinarily I'd just say walk away (especially if some tool is trying to engage you in a fight... no good outcomes there) You need to say something to her (you already want to or you would not be asking strangers on the internet). But you need to understand when you do that she may not react well. She's also not likely to change any time soon. People really need to hit some kind of bottom before they change that kind of behavior. Put boundaries around the kinds of activities you will do with her, or leave before it reaches that point (it will be really hard to do b/c you will want to stay and take care of her, but that will enable the behavior to continue indefinitely).
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post #5 of 20
12/23/09 at 3:52am
Punch your sister in the face. Tell us what happens.
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post #6 of 20
12/23/09 at 4:20am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tor View Post
OP, I too have a problem figuring out how much I should tolerate hostile drunks. My roommate from freshman year who I still hang out with, not sure why, is a humongous douchebag when he gets drunk. I have come very close on numerous occasions to punching him in the face. My friends all stopped me before I did anything beyond antagonize him verbally. I just can't figure out when it's acceptable to actually get hostile back though.
Yeah, perhaps as irritating as the hostile drunk him/herself are the people defending them that make you out to be oversensitive or whatever for getting pissed off at them. "he's just drunk, don't worry about it" etc

I've always doubted that being a jerk like that is really out of the control of the intoxicated person, except in the rare cases where they are some sort of special alcoholic. I think such people when they're sober might just be fronting when that they're pleasant and agreeable, when in fact they're just suppressing their general cynicism towards fellow man... which of course reveals itself when they're drunk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicagoRon View Post


Dude... the fact that she's your sister puts a very different wrinkle on that story. Ordinarily I'd just say walk away (especially if some tool is trying to engage you in a fight... no good outcomes there)

You need to say something to her (you already want to or you would not be asking strangers on the internet).

But you need to understand when you do that she may not react well. She's also not likely to change any time soon. People really need to hit some kind of bottom before they change that kind of behavior. Put boundaries around the kinds of activities you will do with her, or leave before it reaches that point (it will be really hard to do b/c you will want to stay and take care of her, but that will enable the behavior to continue indefinitely).
I realize it's different wrinkle, that's actually why I'm so surprised by it- she has no reason to be hostile to me but it just comes out of thin air. The completely unprovoked attack is one of the most offensive insults out there. It's like, do you have some sort of simmering hostility towards me you're just concealing when you're not drunk? On top of that, we have no negative history from any objectively reasonable point of view.

I guess what bothers me the most about the whole thing is that her friends and the rest of the family don't seem to care, as she only seems to attack me; I guess because I'm the nice one. I really don't want to do this, but I'm thinking that at some point in the future I'm going to have to put my foot down and put her in place... it really sucks cuz I normally only talk to douchebags, strangers, or dogs like that but I guess she needs that kind of "takin' to" to leave me the fuck alone.... I assume it will just alienate her further, which I guess is inevitable....
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post #7 of 20
12/23/09 at 4:28am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Svenn View Post
Yeah, perhaps as irritating as the hostile drunk him/herself are the people defending them that make you out to be oversensitive or whatever for getting pissed off at them. "he's just drunk, don't worry about it" etc I've always doubted that being a jerk like that is really out of the control of the intoxicated person, except in the rare cases where they are some sort of special alcoholic. I think such people when they're sober might just be fronting when that they're pleasant and agreeable, when in fact they're just suppressing their general cynicism towards fellow man... which of course reveals itself when they're drunk.
Yes! I'm glad you understand. All my other friends got pissed at me for even just verbally accosting him, making me out to be some sort of oversensitive drunk, when I wasn't drunk and I wasn't doing anything more than calling him out on being an asshole. Lately he's been a real douche even when he's been sober, so I think your fronting idea is right. I just avoid being around him when I can though. You just kind of have to freeze them out a little. If they care to change, it's all just a matter of time; if not, then I say you just drop them. Unfortunately for you, it's your sister. I wouldn't know what to do. But when drunk people single you out, the best thing to do is just try to laugh it off. It happened to me the other day with an old floormate. I just tried to laugh it off, even though underneath I was raging. He was making a fool out of himself and everyone could see that. Does no one sort of just blow off your sister's comments as drunken rambling? Does she apologize?
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post #8 of 20
12/23/09 at 4:37am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tor View Post
Does she apologize?
Nope, not once; way too much ego in there. Reminds me of Hilary Clinton or something, which enrages me all the more...
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post #9 of 20
12/23/09 at 4:43am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Svenn View Post
Nope, not once; way too much ego in there. Reminds me of Hilary Clinton or something, which enrages me all the more...

I think you might just have to call her out on it one of these days, in a big way. Well, that's what I'd do. Then again, I'm a very confrontational person. Have you mentioned it to her the next day when she's sober?
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post #10 of 20
12/23/09 at 4:53am
i dont hang around with bad drunks. i think as was said, people with an under lying bitchy characteristic will show their true colours when drunk. its the only time they really have the balls to do it. same way as many peope can only dance, or approach girls when drunk, some can only show their true asshole/insecurities when drunk. usually you can usually read these people when theyre not drunk, so i try to stay way from them any how.

i have a friend who was so annoying and went through a point where he was so insecure and always tried to put other people down. it got even worse when he was drunk and goes back on the whole its how they really are. hes at a better stage now and is nowhere near as insecure as he was, and is also now a much more fun drunk.
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post #11 of 20
12/23/09 at 5:04am
IMO a sober discussion and ignoring them works best, the more the better.
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post #12 of 20
12/23/09 at 5:11am
Quote:
Originally Posted by West24 View Post
i have a friend who was so annoying and went through a point where he was so insecure and always tried to put other people down. it got even worse when he was drunk and goes back on the whole its how they really are. hes at a better stage now and is nowhere near as insecure as he was, and is also now a much more fun drunk.

That's exactly how my friend is. It pisses me off to no end. Any way to help him along in the process of getting over his insecurities?
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post #13 of 20
12/23/09 at 5:19am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Svenn View Post
I'm not a big drinker, but even the few times I've gotten very drunk, I've always been well aware of what I was doing and saying. My sister on the other hand got drunk a few nights ago and was a complete as$hole like I've never seen before... bringing up a bunch of $hit from the past and harassing people, me included, who did no provocation at all. I'm wondering how much should I tolerate it? Is it really possible for some people, especially women, not to have control over what they're saying when they're drunk? My other theory is that she's just evolving into her adult personality which I guess is that of a bitch.... it's a real pity because she had always been nice when we were younger...

You don't need to go into the issue of whether one was irresponsible for getting drunk in the first place, just the control over hostile statements made while drunk.

Drinking enough alcohol can easily make people unaware of who they are, where they are, and what they're saying and doing. People who get drunk to that degree on a regular basis have severe self-esteem and self-image problems, and these often take the form of unfocused rage toward family members or whoever else might be close at hand.

As to how much you should tolerate, IMO the answer is none. If you see this train wreck approaching again, remove yourself from her presence. If it was my sister I'd also try and get her to seek professional help.
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post #14 of 20
12/23/09 at 5:34am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AThingForCashmere View Post
Drinking enough alcohol can easily make people unaware of who they are, where they are, and what they're saying and doing. People who get drunk to that degree on a regular basis have severe self-esteem and self-image problems, and these often take the form of unfocused rage toward family members or whoever else might be close at hand.

If only it were that severe then I'd just feel sorry for her, but it's not- she drinks like one drink then sits back and starts yapping out a bunch sassy/snide comments with underhanded insults. It's not a drunken rage. I know other people like this too. Who the fuck would want to hang out with such retards in incomprehensible to me.... my guess is only dominant friends who never see the drunk person's confrontational side of their personality.

I like your signature comment though; indeed a true gentleman shouldn't concern himself with such trivialities, and perhaps the true source of my irritation is my inability to control it.
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post #15 of 20
12/23/09 at 6:53am
I know this is highly untraditional, we are men after all, but have you tried talking to her about it? Normally the things that come out when you are drunk, are the things you dont normally talk about for any number of reasons. If she starts bringing up stuff from that past, chances are she has got some issues that needs to be delt with. Sober that is. I dont really buy the concept of a hostile drunk anyways. Most of the hostile drunks I know, are so for a reason, and when the issues are delt with, things become more normal. So, either talk to her or tell her to talk to someone about it, or your joint drinking days are over. Which may also end up the result. And perhaps also explain to her, that eventhough you rarely remember the bad things you do when drunk, everyone else usually does. Eitherway, it is probably up to you...
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