Tues., 18 June 2013
Serious weightlifters scoff at Superman workout feature; insist 'he is not that jacked'
Following the release of a workout video and news feature detailing "Man of Steel" actor Henry Cavill's workout routine, many regular posters in Styleforum's "Random Health and Exercise Thoughts" expressed cynicism towards Mr Cavill's physical accomplishments. "Bullshit. Total bullshit," sneered resident powerlifter mrchariybrown. "Does that phaggot even lift?" he phrased rhetorically in regards to the British actor, whose only reported motivation for working out was his contractual obligation to a Hollywood studio paying him millions of dollars. "I mean, here I am, squatting to regulation depth like a real man, and this sissy-boy is flexing his guns in a pair of tights" added the powerlifter, oblivious to the fact that an actor who only needed to look aesthetically appealing for his role could not possibly even aspire to meet the expectations of someone involved in a sport where people lifted 800lbs at once.
"Yeah, honestly" chimed in Finnish weightlifter Lagrangian. "Its almost like the media hyperbolizes anything remotely sexual in order to get their readership hot and bothered enough to read their shitty articles. Doesn't anyone know that lifting weights solely to look good is shameful in the eyes of Saint Klokov?" He went on to further complain about the sexualization of physical fitness while coincidentally using terms like "snatch" and "jerking" repeatedly in defence of his sport. French-Canadian lifter virus646 also expressed discontent in between mouthfuls of poutine: "C'est ce que fuck?" he asked. "I mean, he looked good, but come on. Anyone who is halfway serious about lifting would look better with all the special effects treatment he got" expressed the Canuck, implying that the physique of someone who literally had no reason to care about fitness other than to act in movies would be inferior to that of someone who passionately pursued the pastime to the point of it being an integral part of their lifestyle, if not a defining part of their identity.
Sources confirmed that that all of the above posters had deeply-rooted intrinsic motivation for various lifting-related pursuits, putting them at ethical odds with the evidently pitifully-shaped Cavill. Furthermore, sources also revealed that serious devotees of literally any pastime enjoyed by humans in the history of time would be offended by the gross over-simplification and apparent dismissal made by mainstream media of their pastime, and by extension, their own personal accomplishments. Other posters, however, expressed admiration with the dashing Brit. "Thick. Solid. Tight." said D.C. resident gort. "Seriously mirin dat superman aesthetic," agreed the Aryan jarude. "Time for a chest/shrug/delt split," added Towers, making a backhanded compliment at the evident upper-body focus of the actor's routine.
When reached for comment, Cavill momentarily appeared confused as he swam in his pool full of money while surrounded by the ensemble of Victoria's Secret Angels. "Oh, that? I mean, I thought people would understand that the media tended to blow things out of proportion. Not to mention the vast majority of the physically inactive and pear-shaped population would no doubt be impressed or maybe even motivated by my relatively above-average accomplishments. You know, or the fact that I'm fucking Superman and anything tangentially related to the movie would boost readership and line that shitty paper's coffers. Oh well." With that, he donned a gorilla mask and said cryptically, "hush now, RHET. No jimmies now, only dreams" before rejoining the supermodels, many of whom were giggling and whispering to one another about how he must work out.