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Falling for a girl w/a kid - Page 4

post #46 of 61
ken,

when I was about 27, I dated a girl with a young boy. once. frankly, I didn't feel I was the father type, I didn't really like kids. between that and the fact that the boy was her whole life made the thing just not viable at all.

it is perfectly reasonable to step away from the relationship because you don't like kids. there is every reason to believe that you will like, and/or want, kids in a few years. but you may not. you are the only one who can figure this out.

if she is a good mother. and the father isn't around. and you don't like kids, you may find this whole thing a disaster waiting to happen. or not.
post #47 of 61
It's not about how far the drop is, it's about how long the rope is.
post #48 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter
if she is a good mother. and the father isn't around. and you don't like kids, you may find this whole thing a disaster waiting to happen.
Now that's what I was looking for. But what's w/this "or not" business?
post #49 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by ken
But, how different is she from the girls I'm used to? I mean, she isn't out hunting for a daddy or anything, is she?

I don't know; I know ya'll can't answer that over these internets. She's different enough, I suppose: sort of a quasi-neo anarchist hippie. (I can't seem to attract normal girls, nor do I seem to be attracted to them.) She loves her little guy to death, though, which I also find attractive. And, perhaps the clincher, was that she told me not to try to have sex w/her the first time we were on a bed together, instead of the opposite. Damn that was refreshing.

Thanks all.

You should check out this book...by your description, I'll bet you a t-shirt that she has
Hip Mama.

As to how different she is, I can only speak from my own experience:
When I became a parent (in particular a single one...ie no one else to rely one) I had just started grad school in LA and knew almost no one. I grew up in ways that are very difficult to explain. For example, the idea of losing my keys was nearly terrrifying...I didn't lose my keys again until after I was married.
Needless to say, the other choices that I made were more considered than when I was responsible only for myself. I wasn't on a husband hunt by any stretch, but I was also not up for any emotionally draining roller coaster rides.

More significantly, I identified my values and tried more earnestly to live by them rather than putting off such things for "after". I guess I figured the most important lessons that I would teach my son would be through my example.

It probably sounds silly, but I've had several friends who have been involved with young single mothers, and I think that they have all been attracted to this sort of quality...kind of like a glimpse into the future.
post #50 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen
It probably sounds silly, but I've had several friends who have been involved with young single mothers, and I think that they have all been attracted to this sort of quality...kind of like a glimpse into the future.
hehe, yeah probably. Thanks much.
post #51 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by ken
Now that's what I was looking for. But what's w/this "or not" business?


it means that I may be smart, but I am not a fucking prophet. hard to say what will happen, sorry.
post #52 of 61
There are no certainties in relationships. At best, over the internet, you get advice based on generalities. I don't know why you'd expect unequivocal certainty, let alone why you'd trust it.
post #53 of 61
She already has a life and will always be tied to the father of the kid. If you can accept this then go for it.
post #54 of 61
Here's the answer.... Spend a couple evenings with her and the boy....pay attention at dinner time.....and bed time. If you think you can handle that take the second test. Spend a rainy weekend with them...in her apartment....preferably with the boy not feeling well. If you can deal with that....you'll be just fine. Kids are great......if you are ready for them. It doesn't make any difference if you are the biological father or not.....they require an enormous amount of care and attention.
post #55 of 61
Basic question that must be answered is - are you in it for yourself or for them? If the answer is the BIG YOU, then forget it - find someone else, if the answer is for them, then you need to consider the long term effects that the kid is going to have on you and the mother (and remember the kid is more important to her than you at the moment - DO NOT FORGET THIS!!!!). Are you in it for the long term or the short term??? Do you want to build a family around her and her child? Will you be committed to the raising of the child? Are you willing to accept that the child is not yours genetically? Does the kid have a relationship with its father??? (Beware this element as this is going to have major effects on you if you are possesive or the jealous type!!!!!) A few things to consider and I think that it has been well covered anyway on this thread. Good luck - ultimately you have to decide and once you choose your love you need to love your choice!!!!
post #56 of 61
More superb advice, jay allen. Kids are great. My first one was born nine months after my wife and I married, and with only one month of warning. We didn't think we would have kids, and all of a sudden we're parents. Big adjustment, especially when none of our friends or peers had kids yet. But even with all the freaking out and uncertainty early on, I think everyone needs at least one. I know its cliche, but I truly think kids complete a person. But I digress (like that's new): keep doing what you're going Ken. Your instincts probably won't let you get over close to the boy until you're head-over-heels for his mom, so just go slow and keep your eyes open.
post #57 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube
More superb advice, jay allen. Kids are great. My first one was born nine months after my wife and I married, and with only one month of warning. We didn't think we would have kids, and all of a sudden we're parents. Big adjustment, especially when none of our friends or peers had kids yet. But even with all the freaking out and uncertainty early on, I think everyone needs at least one. I know its cliche, but I truly think kids complete a person.

But I digress (like that's new): keep doing what you're going Ken. Your instincts probably won't let you get over close to the boy until you're head-over-heels for his mom, so just go slow and keep your eyes open.

and for god's sake, send the kid on a sleepover when you're gonna do the boom-chicka-boom-boom...
post #58 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reggs
I dont think so. I never knew my biological father or what he looked like, never had much desire to anyway. I was adopted as a result of a long custody battle and have a wonderfull familly.

I dont get why people say "real ____" What makes them more real than a dad who raised you? Nurture over nature I always say. I hate to think of the person I would have become had I been raised by my birth mother.
Ah, agreed, different issue though. I'm talking about momma had a tryst with the postman and out popped Tommy nine months later, with dad none the wiser. Has more to do with perceptions of motherhood than kids' identification.

Ken--just my experience, and just one example, but she was absolutely looking for a new dad.
post #59 of 61
Just my two cents, but, based on what you said, I wouldn't pursue the relationship. If you were to become seriously involved, my guess is this woman would also want you to become seriously involved with her child's life (a serious relationship just doesn't (or at least shouldn't) otherwise make sense to her). For the relationship to work, I think you have to be willing to take on an increased role in the child's life (it might be gradual at first, but would increase as your relationship with this woman increased).

Based on what you said, you don't seem ready for the responsibility of children. Particularly given your age, this is not surprising. I don't mean this as a put down or an attempt to label you "immature." Although everyone matures at a different rate, I know I wasn't ready for kids at 23. I'm 36, have two children, and there are still some rare days when I find myself humming the line from that Paul Simon song ("before you were born and life was great"). Children change your life in ways you simply cannot understand until you have them. Most of this change is very good, but some is incredibly burdensome. In my opinion, you need to be ready for children before you have them (be it by birth or otherwise). If you're not, my advice would be to get out of the relationship.

By the way, don't listen to that earlier bulls*** about how a step parent can't be a good parent. If you're committed to loving and taking care of a child, biology is secondary. I can point to the personal experience of a close friend of mine as evidence.
post #60 of 61
sort of related, and didn't want to start a new thread - we are friendly with 2 couples, each of which is a late 40 something man, with a 30 something second wife, and kids from the first marridge who do not live with them.

recently, we heard both of the second wives really tear into the children of the men, in hearing of the men, in one case the kid was there - really cruel stuff. one woman just kept riding the kid about his posture, his eating habbits and then told a table full of adults about how he would leave fecal matter on his underwear. the other woman showed pictures of the kids, and mocked them for looking geeky and sexless (gotta say, she was right, but that is
besides the point).


I felt the whole thing was so tasteless, both what they were doing and that the husbands didn't say anthing, I don't want to see these people again.


anyway - if a person gets into this kind of relationship, this type of behavior is completly unacceptable.
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