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A question about ugly divorces - Page 3

post #31 of 45
10/16/09 at 11:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayc View Post
Well, I did all I can. I was there on Monday, the day she was supposed to move to a new apartment, to help her move, after not getting a call for the last two days (or picking up my calls or my parents' calls). I assumed the worst, but an hour from Kansas City I got a call saying that Derek had changed and she decided not to move after all. I tried to talk her out of it and how bad an idea it is to stay with him, practically begging but she didn't want to. She's a 26 year old woman and I'm her little brother; I can't exactly decide her life for her. If she wants to give an idiot that has had 4 last chances another chance, I can't really control it.

I did arrange for her to have a place to stay that Derek wouldn't suspect and some guys to help her move for next time he blows up, which is really all I can do right now.

It sounds like you've tried to help. I retract my questioning of your resolve - I was just really taken aback by the fact that it didn't sound like you'd done anything to help her out.
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post #32 of 45
10/17/09 at 12:30am
What a mess. All the best to your sister and her daughter.
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post #33 of 45
10/18/09 at 11:07pm
real tough situation, there is no advice that i can give, that i'd want to post on a public forum.
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post #34 of 45
10/22/09 at 6:50pm
She's an adult and can legally do what she wants. If she really wants to leave him, she can come to your place. The husband would be trespassing if he tried to force his way in. If she wants him to stay away, she can EASILY get a protection from abuse order from the court. If he contacted her, she could have him arrested and charged with a misdemeanor. If you want to stage an intervention, it's up to you. You're her family. But ultimately, if you can't persuade her using the power of speech, there's nothing you can do.
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post #35 of 45
10/23/09 at 5:59am
This kind of shit pisses me off... there's just about nothing you can do short of physically kidnapping her. Where are your parents in this? They should be helping her out of this, not you. Girls are completely irrational at times but it's their psychotic fuckface partners that deserve the blame in situations like this. If things keep going this way, you might as well start writing her eulogy now.
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post #36 of 45
10/23/09 at 8:53pm
I suggest an SF meet in Kansas City and we just take it from there. I was sick to my stomach with rage when I read what he did to her during that storm. There is no excusable reason for someone to do that to any lady, regardless of your affiliation with her. I understand that to some degree that she is making these choices, but understand that women are generally irrational, and often don't run on logic, but emotion. For whatever reason she has a bond, and a rather unhealthy one, with this Derek fellow. From what you've posted, I doubt she'll ever be able to let go, even if she knows it might kill her. So unfortunately this problem now falls on family and friends. It's clear you care about your sister, and regardless of how she feels toward Derek, you'll have to get her and her child out of there no matter what you have to do. And best of luck to you.
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post #37 of 45
10/24/09 at 12:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayc View Post
10 minutes later he is parked in our driveway, honks the horn (what a pussy),

All I can think is WTF!!!!!!

this guy dropped your sister off in the middle of no where in a snow storm and then comes to your house to pick her up? Wheres the part about you taking a bat to his ass?

As stated your sister is in a bad situation but until she decides she wants out there isn't much you can do & I'm sure that part really sucks!!
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post #38 of 45
10/24/09 at 8:33pm
My sister was/is in the same situation. I hear a lot of talk about you going down to beat the guy up. Let me tell you something. There is NOTHING you can do to make her leave the guy. Nothing. Getting involved physically will only lead to you going to jail. She loves the guy, and your words or you physically moving her will do nothing to change this. There also is a feeling of helplessness that causes these women to stay. The kid plays a big part in this. She probably does not like the idea of being a single mom either.

THe only thing that will stop this is if she is beaten down so much that she finally can't take it anymore, or if he beats the child (god forbid).

I would love to get in the mind of men who beat women. To me, people like this, who prey on the weak are the lowest people on this planer. They should be a show like Dexter, but with the main character killing the spousal/child abusers.
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post #39 of 45
10/25/09 at 12:44am
I am in Kansas City, what's this guy's address. I know a few folks who can take care him for you.
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post #40 of 45
10/25/09 at 1:36am
My mother counseled battered women for many years. I heard these stories every day growing up. You would not believe some the worst stories I have heard. One woman went back to a guy after he kicked her in the stomach so hard when she was 7 months pregnant with his child that she quickly miscarried. Soon thereafter he shot her in the head in a murder/suicide.

If he is about to lose her, he WILL get her pregnant again. This is the best way to control a battered woman. Encourage her to take a depo shot in secret when she can. Don't focus on him so much. There a millions of men like him. If your sister ever does break up with him, she might go head over heels for Derek 2.0. If anything, keep encouraging her to save up money. It's going to be very convincing to use that "out" if she ever does hit a rock bottom.
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post #41 of 45
10/25/09 at 5:27am
to the OP: When I was 10 years old, my best friend's (24 yo) sister was in a similar situation. She would leave her apartment and stay at my best friend's house (her parents') at least 1 weekend a month for a few years. We walked into his kitchen one afternoon and found her lying in a pool of blood, 20+ stab wounds. The husband had an alibi - someone punched in his timecard at work - and the case was left open. Husband ended up getting 10+ years on drug charges and died in prison. That was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen in my life. You don't want to see that...
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post #42 of 45
10/25/09 at 1:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DBoon View Post
to the OP:

When I was 10 years old, my best friend's (24 yo) sister was in a similar situation. She would leave her apartment and stay at my best friend's house (her parents') at least 1 weekend a month for a few years. We walked into his kitchen one afternoon and found her lying in a pool of blood, 20+ stab wounds. The husband had an alibi - someone punched in his timecard at work - and the case was left open. Husband ended up getting 10+ years on drug charges and died in prison.

That was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen in my life. You don't want to see that...

That's fucked up. And I have to agree with the aforementioned 'trait' that women have on running on pure emotion and discarding logic to the four winds.
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post #43 of 45
10/25/09 at 1:26pm
My first thought is the same as a few other people - teach the guy a lesson with your fists.

But, the more pragmatic side of me knows (like you do) that this is a bad idea. That's not to say that I would rule a physical altercation out, but I'd leave it aside unless absolutely required. What I would do is to go to Derek's workplace (or somewhere else you can have a one-on-one, man-to-man chat) and lay it on the line for him. Be very calm, but extremely forceful and let him know that you know everything and that if he does one thing more, one little thing, you will file a lawsuit for the emotional damage you and your family is suffering in an extremely public manner (this has little chance of actual success, but it's more the embarrassment factor), that you will subpoena Derek's boss, his mother and his priest, that you will stand in front of Derek's workplace and hand out fliers stating that Derek is a wife beater (truth is a total bar to libel and slander). Do this with a deathly calm. And, just to iron home the point, as you walk out of his office, casually mention to the first person that you see that Derek beats his wife. Again, it's true, so f*ck him.

I still don't think this will work, but at least you'll be giving it a shot. You cannot continually appeal to your sister; it is useless. She is no longer your sister, she has become somebody else because of Derek and therefore you are wasting your time trying to convince her. Go to Derek, the source of the issues and do anything you can to scare him.
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post #44 of 45
10/26/09 at 4:26am
This thread, moreso the husband, really pisses me off. It seems all helpless right now, because obviously, we've heard this story many times before. But honestly, enough is enough, and that was awhile ago. Do something, whatever it may be.
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post #45 of 45
10/26/09 at 8:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayc View Post
To start: a story, and I tried to make it short.
My sister has been married to a scumbag the last 3 years. The marriage started through pregnancy Since Derek, the boyfriend, was Catholic and didn't want to have a bastard child, he used his persuasion (and who knows, maybe his fists) to have my sister marry him. That baby ended up being born with a birth defect where the part of the brain was outside the head and he only lived for a day. They knew about this well ahead of time, but it was still traumatic for both of them. After the death, my sister started to tell us about Derek's mean behaviors, but I'm not sure if he became abusive then or way before. I know victims of spouse abuse will wait some time before gathering the guts to tell others about it. For whatever reason, they decided to have another baby, who just turned one a month ago.

Last year during a snowstorm, Derek kicked her out of their car in the middle of nowhere on the highway at night in the middle of Missouri after taking her cell phone. After an hour of walking in soaked tennis shoes, a state police officer picks her up and brings her to our house 30 miles away. Derek calls our house at 3AM. I pick up the phone and tell him what a **** he is. 10 minutes later he is parked in our driveway, honks the horn (what a pussy), and she goes back outside like an obedient dog .

This is just one case of his behavior. An equally outrageous thing happens anywhere between one to three months afterwards. The most recent outbreak was when Derek choked her. She called 911 and had him arrested. A restraining order was filed and a court date set, but Derek managed to convince my sister to let him back in the house after only 2 days. This voided the court appearance, but my sister got serious about another divorce attempt (the 4th at this point, but Derek hypnotized her out of those as well).

She set up a separate bank account to sneak some divorce funds out andought a laptop and second cell phone, which she had to keep at work. My sister got suspicious that Derek somehow found out when he said "If I go to jail for punching my wife, you're going to be eating through a straw before I'm dragged off." Three weeks ago was supposed to be the day the b divorce papers were filed when Derek got home from work, but my sister gave him a warning and he ran off . I seriously wonder WTF goes through my sister's head at times. Derek returned later that night, and my sister again lets him back in. Mistake after mistake. Last week, he had pleaded enough with my sister to let him try counseling, a repeat of the last 4 times my sister's wanted a divorce. He never actually went those times, but he promised this time. After a few days of peace, everything has gone to crap again and I'm deadly afraid for my sister's safety. In fact, I'll probably drive 5 hours to Kansas City tonight and stay there a few days just so he doesn't try anything. One thing always running through my head is that she has the papers ready to be filed along with a restraining order that immediately goes into effect after the papers are signed. Why doesn't she just call the police and get it filed?

*With risk of my sister sounding like a complete idiot, she had an ACT score of 32, straight A's, and has a master's degree. Before meeting Derek, she was a confidant, ambitious woman.

Cliff notes: My sister is married to a man best described by censored words, things are awful at their house, but she is hesitating to call the police to file the papers. This is what I can't figure out.

Are there any psychologists knowledgeable in spouse abuse that have an answer?

Sorry I can't help, but it seems like it's about time to go all Bobby Bacala on him.
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