A question about ugly divorces

Originally Posted by CTGuy

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I am by no means an expert, but anyone with even a modicum of exposure to the court system will tell you that things will not be getting better. It is extremely unlikely that a man like Derek will break his pattern of behavior. I am not a psychologist, but a lawyer, and my belief is that people in your situation simply don't know enough about the statistics to realize Derek is not special. There are literally thousands of other "Dereks" out there who could be pointed to as case studies. What will happen to your sister if she stays with him is not pretty and easily predicted.

There are those that say you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. However, my best advice to you is to attempt to make that horse drink as much as you can. Your sister should realize that if she has a one year old, keeping that child in a household with someone like Derek will have serious consequences for it down the line.

As others said, I can't even hope to understand her psychology, but she should make every attempt to press charges against this guy early and often. File for divorce and get a restraining order.

Truth.

But let me take the next step, OP: She's gone back to Derek. A few times. She knows what's coming, and she still goes back. What can you do? she's chosen Derek over her own flesh and blood. Do you pursue the idea that she's mentally incapacitated and needs help? How do you make that call?

sounds like battered wife syndrome to me. she needs all the help from a professional and from her family to get through this, or at least get to divorce that sorry of a man she married. since this idiot is a catholic, maybe its time to let his church know what kind of a monster he is. sonofabitch.

I am a divorce lawyer and unfortunately I see this happen way more than it should. If you or your family can't intervene convince sister to get out for her own good or see a therapist, you may have to drop the hammer and point out that at this stage, it isn't just her who is at risk.

If she has any thoughts about protecting that kid, she owes it to child to get the **** out. If she wants to go back to the douche bag, fine, but don't let the kid stay in that environment. I've seen some success getting the message across that way - either your family guilt-trips her into taking the right steps, perhaps out of fear that the baby will be taken away, or she feels that empowerment she's been missing because she is taking the steps to protect the baby from an abusive husband / father.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by Benzito

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If she has any thoughts about protecting that kid, she owes it to child to get the **** out. If she wants to go back to the douche bag, fine, but don't let the kid stay in that environment.
Good luck.
She knows that it's not a good environment for the baby. The last two months the daughter has been an absolute mess, crying almost constantly. She's happy at day care, but once Derek picks her up she wines. I'm not sure what grounds I have as Godfather, but that's a terrible life for a one year old. Explicit memories don't start forming at age 3 (unless very traumatic), but there are still psychological effects she might have to deal with.
My main concern is that she'll take the "easy" way out and deal with him another month, which turns into another year, which turns into another decade, and eventually a life sentence.

mondayc: you know where this story ends if you don't intervene. It is not a happy ending.
Nor does it stretch out into months and years and decades. That's now how these things turn out.
Get sis out of that situation RF now.

"I'll change" and "things will get better" are total lies.

If she isnt an angle you can work explain to him the spiral they are in, and make sure he understands the consequences down the road. A divorce is certainty at this point, but the criminal record for him beating up his wife is not yet a reality, it will be in the near future with all the perks such a record can hold for a person..

at least, that would be my angle..

I buried a friend in an abusive relationship. It's easy for everybody to talk of woop ass and 2x4s. There are a lot of fathers and brothers in prison for doing just that. You need to talk to professionals NOW if only to know how YOU can help. Saying goodbye to somebody unrecognisable from facial fractures and mortician's makeup is something I will not do again.

Originally Posted by acidicboy

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"I'll change" and "things will get better" are total lies.
Funny/sad thing. I have an update to the story. Two night after Derek used his sleep deprivation torture to make my sister cancel her "unapproved" cell phone, he did a complete 180, or so he says. With the few psychology classes I have, I can smell BS from 500 miles away. One cannot simply override control/aggression in the brain, especially in a matter of 48 hours. A man like Derek needs months, possibly years, of confrontational REBT, something he would never accept. Unfortunately my sister fell for it . It's obviously another false promise, just like the other 4 times he offered to change when their marriage got ugly, the time he said he'd quit smoking, and the time he was going to fix their finances after getting gung-ho on the latest Dave Ramsey book (and two weeks later, trading in a 6-month-old car to buy a Lincoln Navigator). Her gullibility makes me pissed at both of them. I've sent her all the evidence I can about how a large percentage of abusive husbands never change (to which she has personal experience), psychological evidence that 180's only happen in ****** daytime soaps and 2-star romance novels, but I'm not sure what impact it's having. She called my mom last night, apologizing for being so busy lately cleaning up Derek's messes (no changes there). Derek still insists he's going to counseling, "but not yet. He has doctors appointments to go to." First off, a month ago he was bragging about never going to the doctor's office and second, if he gave two ***** about your relationship he'd make time. My mom asked what Derek has done to change, but my sister avoided the question. To end the call, my mom told her not to undo anything she's done in the last few weeks, but didn't really get much response. So for now, the divorce is on hiatus. Now Derek is holding back his true emotions and anger, making me even more fearful of what he'll do next time he snaps. For a nice story of Karma, a month ago Derek was telling a "funny story" about a time he got wasted and then backed into someone's Cadillac with his truck, then took off. The whole time, he couldn't help but laugh. This morning, someone backed into his Navigatior and took off.

you need to get her out dawg, she's your ******* sister, go ********** something.

Originally Posted by BubblyMasquerade

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you need to get her out dawg, she's your ******* sister, go ********** something.

+1 I can't believe you posted an update that didn't include some move on your part to encourage change. I'm not saying you have to go to work on the guy with a 2x4 (though I stand by the recommendation in my first post), but at least do something. If I had a friend who told me the story you did in the OP, and then came back with this latest update, I would immediately take him off the list of people I can count on to do the right thing/help out people close to them.

I like the 2x4 idea.

Originally Posted by mondayc

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Funny/sad thing. I have an update to the story. Two night after Derek used his sleep deprivation torture to make my sister cancel her "unapproved" cell phone, he did a complete 180, or so he says. With the few psychology classes I have, I can smell BS from 500 miles away. One cannot simply override control/aggression in the brain, especially in a matter of 48 hours. A man like Derek needs months, possibly years, of confrontational REBT, something he would never accept. Unfortunately my sister fell for it

. It's obviously another false promise, just like the other 4 times he offered to change when their marriage got ugly, the time he said he'd quit smoking, and the time he was going to fix their finances after getting gung-ho on the latest Dave Ramsey book (and two weeks later, trading in a 6-month-old car to buy a Lincoln Navigator). Her gullibility makes me pissed at both of them. I've sent her all the evidence I can about how a large percentage of abusive husbands never change (to which she has personal experience), psychological evidence that 180's only happen in ****** daytime soaps and 2-star romance novels, but I'm not sure what impact it's having. She called my mom last night, apologizing for being so busy lately cleaning up Derek's messes (no changes there). Derek still insists he's going to counseling, "but not yet. He has doctors appointments to go to." First off, a month ago he was bragging about never going to the doctor's office and second, if he gave two ***** about your relationship he'd make time. My mom asked what Derek has done to change, but my sister avoided the question. To end the call, my mom told her not to undo anything she's done in the last few weeks, but didn't really get much response. So for now, the divorce is on hiatus. Now Derek is holding back his true emotions and anger, making me even more fearful of what he'll do next time he snaps. For a nice story of Karma, a month ago Derek was telling a "funny story" about a time he got wasted and then backed into someone's Cadillac with his truck, then took off. The whole time, he couldn't help but laugh. This morning, someone backed into his Navigatior and took off.
she's definitely not climbing out of that hole. hard for us to judge her because of all the emotions and conflicts she's going through, and thats what makes it so sad.

Originally Posted by MrG

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+1 I can't believe you posted an update that didn't include some move on your part to encourage change.
Well, I did all I can. I was there on Monday, the day she was supposed to move to a new apartment, to help her move, after not getting a call for the last two days (or picking up my calls or my parents' calls). I assumed the worst, but an hour from Kansas City I got a call saying that Derek had changed and she decided not to move after all. I tried to talk her out of it and how bad an idea it is to stay with him, practically begging but she didn't want to. She's a 26 year old woman and I'm her little brother; I can't exactly decide her life for her. If she wants to give an idiot that has had 4 last chances another chance, I can't really control it. I did arrange for her to have a place to stay that Derek wouldn't suspect and some guys to help her move for next time he blows up, which is really all I can do right now.

Originally Posted by mondayc

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Well, I did all I can. I was there on Monday, the day she was supposed to move to a new apartment, to help her move, after not getting a call for the last two days (or picking up my calls or my parents' calls). I assumed the worst, but an hour from Kansas City I got a call saying that Derek had changed and she decided not to move after all. I tried to talk her out of it and how bad an idea it is to stay with him, practically begging but she didn't want to. She's a 26 year old woman and I'm her little brother; I can't exactly decide her life for her. If she wants to give an idiot that has had 4 last chances another chance, I can't really control it.

I did arrange for her to have a place to stay that Derek wouldn't suspect and some guys to help her move for next time he blows up, which is really all I can do right now.

It sounds like you've tried to help. I retract my questioning of your resolve - I was just really taken aback by the fact that it didn't sound like you'd done anything to help her out.