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Gaining confidence in social settings

post #1 of 48
9/26/09 at 5:25pm
Thread Starter 
Whats going on everyone? I'm new to the forum and this is basically my first post. I'm in need of a lot of help, and being that there's a mixed crowd of users on this forum I figured it would be a great place to get some advice. Basically, I need help on how to gain confidence around new people(this includes guys and especially girls). Here's some background about myself.....

All through high school I had a lot of confidence, I was the class clown, basically the guy who would say anything, I got a long well with pretty much everyone but these were people I had known my entire life.
Fast forward 2 years and I'm a junior in college(sophmore by credits it's my 3rd semester) I've been commuting due to some family issues from high school(father had a stroke).
I have a really good personality, once I get to know people a little I can pretty much talk about anything and make anyone laugh. Among my family(and my family is huge) I pretty much am everyone's favorite cousin/nephew.

In college, I have a lot of trouble being myself around people, a lot of the reasons behind this I have been working on ....for example, I've been overweight all of my life and have begun recently losing a lot of weight and getting into shape( I was 205lbs this time last year and I'm at 165lbs right now, I'm 5'6" by the way. Also, I dress fairly well and am usually put together even though most clothes don't look to great on me due to my weight.

Basically, once I meet new people I don't really talk that much at first(unless the people are outgoing, then my regular, funny personality comes out right away), and hence, don't get to know that many people or talk to that many girls because I end up being quiet. Once I talk to someone 2 or 3 times I become myself but this doesn't really happen because I'm quiet the first time, when it really counts.

Some of my friends tell me that I just have to keep on focusing on getting into shape and stop worrying about my height but I keep on thinking there's more too it than that. I got a job in retail so I could interact with more people hoping that it'll make it easier to make conversation with new people.....

One other thing that really lowers my confidence is my height, I'm only 5'6" and it really bothers me.. to the point where the first thing I do when I see a person is compare my height to theirs.

I especially need help talking to girls, most of the girls I meet automatically put me into the friend category due to my weight and I don't really get with that many girls....I've barely made it to 2nd base lol. After losing weight I'm beginning to realize that I'm a decent looking guy though.

Anyway, after reading through all this, you can pretty much figure out what my problems are( I hope lol) . Besides getting into shape, and dressing better, is there any else gain more confidence and have my regular personality come out? Really any advice would be appreciated....
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post #2 of 48
9/26/09 at 9:10pm
You can get over the confidence thing with practice talking to more people. On the street, in the grocery, in lines, etc, just chat people up. You need some reenforcement that people actually enjoy talking to someone who is congenial. Because people do.

Ive known people who say good things about the support group Toastmasters. As I understand the program, it's a free clinic on public speaking, which is not your immediate problem but is a skill that will positively affect all your interactions and maybe build more confidence. May want to look it up...

Put the body issues out of your mind. Anyone who would judge you in a serious way is not worth knowing.

There is absolutely nothing to lose in talking with people. Think about this- what is the downside? Not how it makes you immediately feel to be rejected, everyone gets burned (an also realize the other party is more likely to be distracted, caught off guard, or lacking manners than actually judging you,) but in the grand scheme of things. Brush off the little stuff by realizing how trivial a setback it is, and just put yourself out there. The good interactions outweigh the bad, and as this becomes reenforced over time your confidence will group and you perpetuate the cycle.
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post #3 of 48
9/27/09 at 1:10am
Get a part time job that will force you to talk to people...
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post #4 of 48
9/27/09 at 3:45am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pennglock View Post
You can get over the confidence thing with practice talking to more people. On the street, in the grocery, in lines, etc, just chat people up. You need some reenforcement that people actually enjoy talking to someone who is congenial. Because people do.

Ive known people who say good things about the support group Toastmasters. As I understand the program, it's a free clinic on public speaking, which is not your immediate problem but is a skill that will positively affect all your interactions and maybe build more confidence. May want to look it up...

Put the body issues out of your mind. Anyone who would judge you in a serious way is not worth knowing.

There is absolutely nothing to lose in talking with people. Think about this- what is the downside? Not how it makes you immediately feel to be rejected, everyone gets burned (an also realize the other party is more likely to be distracted, caught off guard, or lacking manners than actually judging you,) but in the grand scheme of things. Brush off the little stuff by realizing how trivial a setback it is, and just put yourself out there. The good interactions outweigh the bad, and as this becomes reenforced over time your confidence will group and you perpetuate the cycle.

+1
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post #5 of 48
9/27/09 at 2:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by tc6 View Post
Basically, once I meet new people I don't really talk that much at first(unless the people are outgoing, then my regular, funny personality comes out right away)

This is the key to your problem. The good news is that we've located it Women expect and want men to LEAD THE INTERACTION. LEAD THE CONVERSATION. Or at least are proactive about starting it. Don't expect people, especially girls, to start to try to sustain conversations with you when you go out. They won't. They'll just ignore you. YOU need to start that conversation. You need to figure out some good, funny, light, playful conversations that people you interact with like having. This means not just girls at parties, but the old lady at work, customers, people of all ages and classes. Try out different things and see what people respond to.

That said, the key to starting conversations is DON'T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS. It puts people on guard. Start the conversation by making STATEMENTS. And people will respond. One fool-proof conversation to have with anyone is start off with something small, then ask "know anything fun going on this week/weekend?" When they tell you something (a concert, a show, something like that), tell them one back. Offer them something of value in that conversation. Once the conversation is rolling and the girl is enjoying talking to you, THEN some light questions (are you from this city? what's your name? etc) can come out.

Other small conversation tips to think of: 1) don't talk too fast. Be confident that what you're saying is interesting and the other person won't stop listening. 2) Keep it LIGHT! Maybe you dreamed that last night your grandma killed you with a hand grenade but keep it to yourself

The honest truth is that being 5'6'' and overweight lowers your value in the eyes of women. SO yeah, start losing weight.

But the good news is that looks won't matter anymore as you become a fun, cool guy that women and people in general like.
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post #6 of 48
9/27/09 at 8:30pm
Throw parties. Especially ones where it's cool if strangers (who are likely to be friends of your friends) just show up. Being the host will force you to come out of your shell and deal with other people and their needs. If you're at all take-charge, you will find that circulating, mingling, refilling drinks, introducing person A to person B (no matter that you may know neither guest) is a way to get to know people without feeling self-conscious whatsoever.
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post #7 of 48
9/27/09 at 9:16pm
Talking to random people is overrated. Continue to look down on them.
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post #8 of 48
9/27/09 at 9:27pm
PM tagutcow ASAP. He's helped several posters with the same issues.
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post #9 of 48
9/28/09 at 9:48am
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the advice.....I've been trying to apply a lot of it, I've also sent the PM to tagutcow so hopefully he also has some helpful advice. When I'm meeting new people, it always feels like there's this pressure on me to say something funny, or I keep on thinking this person won't like me. I think this underlying pressure is always stopping me from being myself.
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post #10 of 48
9/28/09 at 10:49am
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroStyles View Post
PM tagutcow ASAP. He's helped several posters with the same issues.

Lulz

K
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post #11 of 48
10/3/09 at 3:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by tc6 View Post
When I'm meeting new people, it always feels like there's this pressure on me to say something funny, or I keep on thinking this person won't like me. I think this underlying pressure is always stopping me from being myself.

Wow, there's like fifteen points to be made about this brief statement.

If you want to be attractive to women:

a) Don't seek approval throughout your conversation. Don't make a joke and then check to see if she laughs/approves. Make your joke. Keep talking. The funniest and most confident people are self-amusing.

That said, people who laugh (out loud) at their own jokes too much come across as insecure. Confident people know that everyone else will laugh at their joke, or don't care.

b) You need to be confident that what you're saying is *interesting*. Don't focus on funny-- funny will come on its own. Trying to be funny in an "approval-seeking" way is a big turn off to people, especially girls. It's why "pick up lines" are such a turn-off to girls: you say some bullshit, and then just WAIT THERE for some kind of reaction from her, a stranger.

c) this thought, "I want them to like me," is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you need to realize what kind of conversation will draw people in or repel them. We all want to be liked. But you also need to act like you don't give a fuck whether anyone likes you or not.

Think of a confident guy you know. Does he seek approval through his conversation? Does he immediately make jokes? Does he care if everyone likes him? No. A lot of people like him already. He acts confident, and acts like himself. This is true of every confident guy from the CEO down to the cocky bartender.

Those are some things to consider as you work on your confidence. Good luck.
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post #12 of 48
10/3/09 at 6:25pm
losing weight IS one of the keys to having it easier socially. i do not kid. this has happened to me all my life, i deem myself just about average for socialability and likeability, so saying that, i have experienced that when i gain weight and am heavy, i do not get alot of smiles, hellos, small talk, people calling on me at work, etc.
when i lose the weight and am svelte, i get alot of smiles, i meet more people, people initiate to talk to me more, compliment and are more welcoming.

just one case in point (out of many): the finance girls (whole dept are young asian girls, single and married between 25-early 40s; why is that always the case in any company's finance dept?) of various looks and range of beauty all hang out together all are in their various cliques, and all have their degrees of how they socialize with me at work. when i am lighter and dressed better due to it (rrls, slim stuff, etc) they are always giddy around me, making conversation, going out of their way to say hello, etc. but when i pack on the pounds, my face is a little fuller, my stomach bulging, the same exact girls have a tendency to ignore me, unless i say hello first of course. has been cyclical like this past 2 years.

i know some of you will say it is your mentality when you are heavier or lighter, or it may be due to different circle of people you meet, etc. i have thought through all this and yes those may be slight factors, but i am a man of some reasonable sensibility and life experience and maturity enough to say that those are not the main reasons. but purely people do respond definitely better to you when you are not heavy/fat and in shape. that is just human nature i guess as i see myself the same way whether i know it or not.
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post #13 of 48
10/3/09 at 6:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by sho'nuff View Post
losing weight IS one of the keys to having it easier socially. i do not kid. this has happened to me all my life, i deem myself just about average for socialability and likeability, so saying that, i have experienced that when i gain weight and am heavy, i do not get alot of smiles, hellos, small talk, people calling on me at work, etc. when i lose the weight and am svelte, i get alot of smiles, i meet more people, people initiate to talk to me more, compliment and are more welcoming. just one case in point (out of many): the finance girls (whole dept are young asian girls, single and married between 25-early 40s; why is that always the case in any company's finance dept?) of various looks and range of beauty all hang out together all are in their various cliques, and all have their degrees of how they socialize with me at work. when i am lighter and dressed better due to it (rrls, slim stuff, etc) they are always giddy around me, making conversation, going out of their way to say hello, etc. but when i pack on the pounds, my face is a little fuller, my stomach bulging, the same exact girls have a tendency to ignore me, unless i say hello first of course. has been cyclical like this past 2 years. i know some of you will say it is your mentality when you are heavier or lighter, or it may be due to different circle of people you meet, etc. i have thought through all this and yes those may be slight factors, but i am a man of some reasonable sensibility and life experience and maturity enough to say that those are not the main reasons. but purely people do respond definitely better to you when you are not heavy/fat and in shape. that is just human nature i guess as i see myself the same way whether i know it or not.
Dude, how big are your weight fluctuations? You make it sound like your weight is up and down by a hundred pounds every week, and that from one week to the next, the cute girls in finance won't talk to you because of it.
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post #14 of 48
10/3/09 at 6:47pm
I find that wearing tee shirts with funny quote help a lot w. interaction. Nothing breaks the nice like a "more cowbell" tee. When I'm at the office I also make sure to have a funny calendar, everyone loves the cute cats w. witty quotes one I currently have on display.
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post #15 of 48
10/3/09 at 6:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek View Post
Dude, how big are your weight fluctuations? You make it sound like your weight is up and down every week and that from one week to the next, the cute girls in finance won't talk to you because of it.

That was why I said cyclical. Like in seasons of being light or heavy. Some months I am 190 or above the next few months to the end of the year I may have dropped like 10 or 15 pounds. For me, the slight weight change dramatically shows in my face.

also I'm not saying only cute girls. A normal mix of young and old, married or single, gay or straight (guys, yes), pretty or not.
I sometimes won't say that much when someone is talking to me at work or elsewhere like at a gathering. When I'm light, they stick around and continue to just hang out with me and talk further. When I'm fatter they won't tolerate my quietness. They'll find a quick excuse to move on find someone else and hellos in the hallway are more perfunctory.

I don't think they notice or do it intentionally. They are well meaning but just human that is all.

Like I would say to one gal who came by to say hi and talk to me (of course when I'm slendered down and in my rrls) I would say " hey haven't seen/talked to you in awhile!" (Referring to earlier when I was heavier). She would say "what do you mean? I've been around?" But she don't know it she's been unconsiously avoiding me during that time.

And it is not about flirting or anything (I don't flirt at work) but just some married gal or older lady who used to come chit chat about this or that.
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