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Relationship advice: that ex

post #1 of 111
Thread Starter 
Im in a serious relationship

my girlfriend is currently best friends with an ex boyfriend, who happens to have been her first love

we absolutely despise each other


now, my girlfriend is constantly fighting with this ex when they hang out, they get into arguments where she is left crying on many occasions

i wonder, what is she clinging on to if there is very little that she likes about this guy


what should i do? It has been brought up by me on many occasions with no closure on the subject.
She says he will always be there
i dont like that idea in the slightest
post #2 of 111
I've been the other guy in this dynamic and honestly would not want to be you.
post #3 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by fine leather on my feet
Im in a serious relationship

my girlfriend is currently best friends with an ex boyfriend, who happens to have been her first love

we absolutely despise each other


now, my girlfriend is constantly fighting with this ex when they hang out, they get into arguments where she is left crying on many occasions

i wonder, what is she clinging on to if there is very little that she likes about this guy


what should i do? It has been brought up by me on many occasions with no closure on the subject.
She says he will always be there
i dont like that idea in the slightest

I was in the same situation, about 20 years ago. I disliked the guy, and literally (and very seriously) threatened to kill him. the end result:

they are married
I married somebody who is a much better fit for me
I had really great sex with a hot 19 year old blond with great size 38 tits, green eyes and curly hair for 6 months, before we broke up and she married this guy.

I see this as a win win situation.
post #4 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter
I had really great sex with a hot 19 year old blond with great size 38 tits, green eyes and curly hair for 6 months, before we broke up and she married this guy.
GT: you're bringing tears to my eyes...what a beautiful story! Lucky dog!
post #5 of 111
Thread Starter 
besides giving me ways to seek revenge on a girl i love

what is wrong with this situation? am i wrong in wondering why the FUCK her exboyfriend who has done so many unforgivable things and done absolutely nothing to make up for it, is still in her life?
post #6 of 111
You are in a tight spot. The two of them serve each other in a way you cannot serve the one, regardless of your feelings. Nevertheless, you love her, and you are committed in a way that disables you from making a strong choice. That strong choice is basically summarized by the phrase, "Have you told her no more sex until she quits smoking?" In other words, bite the bullet, tell her you don't understand the relationship she has with the other man but that it impairs her ability to love you as much as you love her. Then walk away.

I was in the same ship as you about 10 years ago. Brother, I wish I could tell you there was another way through. Know that even though you are in prison, there is often someone in the next cell who has a story worth hearing.
post #7 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by fine leather on my feet
what is wrong with this situation? am i wrong in wondering why the FUCK her exboyfriend who has done so many unforgivable things and done absolutely nothing to make up for it, is still in her life?

What is wrong with this situation is that everyone (with the possible exception of a-hole ex-boyfriend, but probably him too) is misperceiving what is actually going on.

Her ex-boyfriend is still in her life because, consciously or unconsciously, she wants him to be there. This, despite the fact that any reasonable person would want to be done with him.

You are confused because you are in a "serious relationship" with a girl who is consciously or unconsciously obsessed with another man. This, despite the fact that she tells you that she loves you.

He is (likely, though not certainly) confused because either 1) his ex-girlfriend refuses to dump you and return to him despite the fact that she is so clearly obsessed with him, or 2) his ex-girlfriend remains obsessed with him despite the fact that he treats her like dirt in an attempt to sever the last vestiges of the old relationship.

I know that it sucks to hear this, and I'm just some guy on a message board, but it's true.
post #8 of 111
Thread Starter 
This is exactly what i need to hear. I know this is a problem
post #9 of 111
Would've said the same thing. wpeters is very likely right. Just how these things work out, unfortunately.
post #10 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by fine leather on my feet
Im in a serious relationship

my girlfriend is currently best friends with an ex boyfriend, who happens to have been her first love

we absolutely despise each other


now, my girlfriend is constantly fighting with this ex when they hang out, they get into arguments where she is left crying on many occasions

i wonder, what is she clinging on to if there is very little that she likes about this guy


what should i do? It has been brought up by me on many occasions with no closure on the subject.
She says he will always be there
i dont like that idea in the slightest

I am gonna have to agree with the others here that if for whatever reason she still considers this fellow her "best" friend, then the real question you have to ask is not "i wonder, what is she clinging on to if there is very little that she likes about this guy" but rather "since she obviousely likes this guy alot so why is she clinging onto me" (if not for support when he hurts her.)

And while it may feel good to be "her man" who picks her up when she is down, when you realize that that may just be the only thing you are to her its not pleasant.

Good luck.
post #11 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by fine leather on my feet
This is exactly what i need to hear. I know this is a problem
Easy to say, but hard to do: See her for who she is, not who you want her to be. See your relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation. It's definitely a tough spot.
post #12 of 111
You may not be old enough to have learned that women, especially young women, LOVE the "bad boy". This guy obviously is still attractive to her.....probably because he treats her like shit. My advice.....Get rid of her, tell her you don't have time for drama filled life....and mean it. Of course...this will only make you all the more attractive to her. Whatever you do, don't hold her hand , bring her flowers, and give her a shoulder to cry on every time her ex makes her cry. That is the absolute peak of pussydom.
post #13 of 111
As usual, I find Jay's pragmatic view of relationships crass, terrible, and depressingly accurate.
post #14 of 111
I have been in a similar situation and I did the "walk away" and man did it suck. In my case, it was for a host of other reasons that finally made me get the balls to walk away, but the reality is-- you have to do it.

Whether you like to hear it or not, most relationships either ARE or involve a power struggle. There is actually nothing wrong with this as far as I am concerned, because in most good/mature relationships you eventually come to a compromise about who wins what battles and who is in charge of which things. However, I have seen plenty of people in the situation where the power is shifted in favor of one side so severly that the other side is essentially forced to just completely concede everything because they have so little "hand" as Seinfeld said. What I mean to say in a more literal sense is that every time you have a problem, any time that you go to her and say-- "Jane, I am sick and tired of you [getting drunk/watching tv too loud/working too late/whatever]" I absolutely guarantee you that she is going to call up ex-boy and comiserate with him instead of making the adult choice of whether or not to make the relationship work with you.

The bottom line is to do this: Tell her that he cannot be part of her life. Period. If she cannot committ to that, then she is not ready for a relationship and should not be dating anyone- let alone you. If she does not break things off with him, then leave.

I probably should not say this, but years down the road if she has a GOOD relationship with an ex where they talk about college, give the usual "here's how I am doing" type stuff, invite each other to their respective weddings, there is nothing wrong with that. What you are describing is NOT that situation. The girl is clearly still very emotionally/romantically hung up on this guy. As Jay Allen said, in part there are probably some dynamics to this whole thing that do not seem intuitively obvious to you, but trust the advice given here: if you want things to work out with her, you must give the ultimatum. If she refuses to comply, then count yourself lucky you got laid, go get drunk, and then look for somebody else.
post #15 of 111
Should we tell him to go read Robin Baker, et al., or make him earn it through trial and error?

Fine leather, how old are you, and how old is your girlfriend? No offense implied, just curious.
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