Originally I had meant to keep this for myself, but of late have been overcome with guilt and feel compelled to share the tragic story of my weakness with all of you.
I confess that I have recently been the target of a hideous, and ultimately successful, bribe. Stanley Van Buren, upset at being consistently passed over in the weekly “What is Styleforum Wearing?” articles, mailed me an autographed picture of himself in bed with an unidentifiable woman. This was an obvious attempt to drum up sympathy and sway me into writing an idiotic story about him.
Shamefully, I admit that I was originally taken in, as witnessed in the latest edition of my hugely popular and critically-praised column. However, I now feel that I have an ethical duty not only to report this unbecoming behavior and apologize for my part in it, but to offer the photograph for sale to the highest bidder. Based on the number of “thumbs” that Mr. Van Buren has accumulated, it is obvious that a signed photograph of him should be worth a great deal of money, even if it is not explicitly addressed to you. Moreover, for the sake of the children, all profits from the sale of the photograph (notwithstanding the 68.73$ consignment fee that will take care of my Pinot Grigio requirements for the upcoming week) will be donated to the charity of your choice.
The photograph will be shipped in its current state: It is slightly crumpled, has a single corner that is curved, and has numerous sweaty palm-prints on it. I can look into dry-cleaning costs, but the photograph should be considered “pre-owned/like-new.” It will be sent to you in a dirty, nondescript packing envelope with no names printed on it.
The classified listing containing further information can be found here:
Here is a picture of the picture in question: