Thursday, 10am — I see my Mr.Porter package has crossed the border, so I call DHL and ask whether delivery is expected the same day, in order to be home for the first attempt. The lady tells me it will be delivered the same day, but I should call back in an hour with my buzzer number so the delivery doesn't fail (???).
Thursday, 11am — I call DHL with my buzzer number. I am told my package is "damaged." No further information is available. The person sounds illiterate, so I decide to try back soon.
Thursday, 11:15am — I call back and reach someone who sounds like a possible high school graduate, mercy of mercies. I am told my package is "damaged." No further information is available, but I will be called back by the end of the day by someone from the warehouse who can discuss the condition of the package with me (it does not appear to matter that I don't want to discuss anything, I just want the package delivered).
Thursday, 2:00pm — I call back to make sure someone is going to call me by the end of the day. I am assured "Soyab" will call me by 3pm. He is a "tracing agent."
Soyab never calls.
Thursday, 3:00pm — I call back. Where's Soyab? I am given his direct number. I call Soyab directly: straight to an answering machine whose message consists of a voice mumbling "Soyab" (it does not seem like a professional number, so I do not leave a message).
Thursday, 4:00pm — I call the main line again to tell them Soyab never called me back. Oh, actually he will get back to me by some time tomorrow (Friday). Will it help if I take the initiative to call back Friday morning? Maybe.
Thursday, 8:00pm — I call back just so there's an extra note in my file and they know I'm serious about my damn package.
Friday, 8:00am — I call DHL to say the hell with Soyab, I want my package delivered today, not a phone call. The woman says okay (this was never presented as a choice before -- they just instructed me to wait for a phone call). She says the delivery trucks load by 10:45am.
Friday, 9:00am — I call again to reconfirm my wishes because I no longer trust these people not to screw up simple instructions. I want the package today. The guy accepts this and says there is still no further information from the warehouse regarding the damage. Soyab will call me by 3pm, he assures me. That's too late for the delivery trucks.
Friday, 10:15am — Having waited as close to delivery departure as I dare, I call back again. By some miracle, I reach a woman who says she works near Soyab. She goes and stands at his desk (not at my request) until he is done a phone call, then tells him I am on the line and transfers me through. Soyab repeats there is "damage" to my package, does not tell me any more about it, and confirms the receipt of my instructions that I wanted delivery today, but tells me he "can't tell whether a damage report has been submitted" in the electronic system, so he "doesn't know" whether the item is out for delivery today or not. He says he will call back by 3pm today to let me know ..... something or other ...... and I may get the item today, or I may get it Monday.
What is unsaid in all of this is that if the bloody item was destroyed beyond repair, I obviously don't want it at all any more and somebody should have made clear at the very beginning that is what had happened so I could forget about it altogether. On the other hand, if the item is fine, then I am in no way helped by a phone call from some warehouse neanderthal, and all they are accomplishing by delaying delivery is wasting my time.
So 24 hours after I should have received my Neil Barrett, I don't have it, I don't know when I might receive it, and I don't know whether it is intact or in shreds.
What the fuck is wrong with DHL?