This is my review for an Edwards Cinema by my house:
A movie, that is exactly what I needed. Jumped in the car, and drove to Edwards, eager to see "Valentine's Day". Little did I know that I would face the strangest night of my life.
As I pulled into an empty space in the parking garage, a strange acting teenager approached me. He had a slanted forehead like some Cro-Magnon caveman and big crusty lips. His eyes were dilated and his gait showed signs of mental retardation. "Yawhman, d-dyou have some chang-e, dude?" He was on some sort of opiate, apparently. "Back the fuck off man, I know Krav Maga." He lunged at me. Bam, elbow to his solar plexus. He went cold as I dropped his limp body to the cement. I shrugged and headed to the ticket window.
That's when I noticed them. The emo-goths. They were everywhere. Black clothing, bad makeup, ratty hair, and cellulite surrounded me as I stood in line. I could smell their teenage angst and I will tell you this much, I began to sweat in fear. Here I was, a 5'10 lean, cut man trained in deadly martial arts--peeing in his fucking pants. One bumped into me and a piece of her muffin top grazed against my open palm. I had to hold back the vomit. Her fat, rat tailed boyfriend turned quickly (as quickly as a rotund individual can, at least) and gave me the evil emo eye. "Why you touching my girlfriend, bitch?" Oh, that was your girlfriend? I replied. I thought bestiality was illegal in California. That set him off like a hippo in heat. He swung at me with his ham hocks. I batted away the attack effortlessly. Bam. Popped a knee to his testicles. Smash! My open palms crashed against his ears. His girlfriend tried to stop me, but a quick push sent her toppling to the floor like a tub of buttered jelly. No one else tried to test me.
As I sat in the theater, watching the previews, a group of minorities were chatty chatty chit chitting away about this and that. At first I thought they would zip it when the movie started, but boy was I wrong. They increased their volume as the movie progressed, eventually yelling at the screen, hoping the fictional characters would hear their screeching commands. Shut the hell up! I yelled. They would get one warning. "Oh no you didn't!" one of the girls cajoled. "Why don't you come up here and say that, bitch?" I stood up and made my way up to their seats. Shut. The hell. Up. I started to walk away when one of the bitches threw something at me. I had enough. I ripped my shirt apart and threw it on the ground. I flexed my rippling abdominal muscles, daring them to try something. I backhanded the first one to move. The other two were dispatched with twin neck punches. Security led me out.
Needless to say, I am not allowed here anymore so I cannot recommend it.