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Girlfriend's Ex-Fiance's Funeral

post #1 of 66
5/7/09 at 1:36am
Thread Starter 
Case closed - she does not want me to go with her for several reasons. Thanks everyone. It's been a tough day - my current live-in girlfriend who I have been with 2.5 years found out today that her ex-fiance passed away last night. He's a marine and was in a helicopter crash during a training mission Tuesday night. His funeral service will be sometime next week in Arkansas, where his family is from. We are in DC. My question is, should I attend? Their break-up was not mutual, but was essentially my g/f's decision about 6 months before the wedding. She was still in college and was not ready to be married, have kids etc. so she called off the wedding. As you can imagine, the relationship ended not on very good terms, but after some time, they were able to speak cordially. I have never met the guy, but know several people that were good friends with him and some others who knew him socially. All, including my g/f, speak highly of him and say what a good person he was. I do not believe that if we had met, that there would be any bad blood between the two of us - I was not in the picture when they ended their relationship. Is it acceptable for me to attend the service? I told my g/f that if she wants me to be there for her, I will go. I thought it was the right thing to offer, as I feel for her in the loss of a once good friend and don't want her to have to go through it all by herself. It's my job to be her moral support. That said, I don't want to offend his family by being there. They all loved my g/f and were crushed by her decision to leave him. Will my presence be rubbing this in their faces, adding to their grief? What would you do? If you read this all, thank you.
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post #2 of 66
5/7/09 at 1:50am
I don't think it'll be a problem. It doesn't sound like your fault your girlfriend left him. I would go unless she specifically said not to.
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post #3 of 66
5/7/09 at 1:55am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertorex View Post
I don't think it'll be a problem. It doesn't sound like your fault your girlfriend left him. I would go unless she specifically said not to.

Thanks for your reply.

I didn't meet her until a year and a half after they ended things, so I really had nothing to do with their break up.
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post #4 of 66
5/7/09 at 2:05am
your gf's call. do what she wants
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post #5 of 66
5/7/09 at 2:10am
For you, I don't think it would be a problem. His family's grief will overshadow everything else. Is your gf on good terms with his fam? There might be some animosity toward your gf if she's not on good terms with them. Stand by your girl and everything else will work itself out.
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post #6 of 66
5/7/09 at 3:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
your gf's call. do what she wants

+1. Your girlfriend decides. If you in fact go, you'll be a gentleman and show the resect you plan to. The family has other concerns beside you being there.
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post #7 of 66
5/7/09 at 3:58am
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
your gf's call. do what she wants
This. You are going for her and no one else. Your presence in any negative sense and place in her life are in all likelihood going to be of little concern to his family. If they are rational people and do care for her and want her there, they will be excepting of your presence as well anyway. Speak little, be respectful when appropriate and walk tall. earn your points and help her move on.
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post #8 of 66
5/7/09 at 9:28am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertorex View Post
I don't think it'll be a problem. It doesn't sound like your fault your girlfriend left him. I would go unless she specifically said not to.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Salad View Post
For you, I don't think it would be a problem.
His family's grief will overshadow everything else.
Is your gf on good terms with his fam? There might be some animosity toward your gf if she's not on good terms with them.
Stand by your girl and everything else will work itself out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rjmaiorano View Post
+1. Your girlfriend decides. If you in fact go, you'll be a gentleman and show the resect you plan to. The family has other concerns beside you being there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mazda View Post
This.

You are going for her and no one else. Your presence in any negative sense and place in her life are in all likelihood going to be of little concern to his family. If they are rational people and do care for her and want her there, they will be excepting of your presence as well anyway.

Speak little, be respectful when appropriate and walk tall. earn your points and help her move on.

You have all confirmed what I was thinking. Thank you for reading and responding.
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post #9 of 66
5/7/09 at 9:38am
Funerals are about showing respect for the dead and supporting their family. Your presence is a tribute. Nobody is going to think "how dare he show up!". They are (understandably) going to think very little about you at all. They have just experienced a terrible loss.

You're a secondary player, but you go (unless your gf really doesn't want you there for some reason).

I'll pass along wisdom from a former mayor of New York (paraphrasing): "You can miss a wedding, but you go to funerals".

You get points for being concerned and considerate about their feelings. Your showing up shows support for them. Go.
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post #10 of 66
5/7/09 at 10:55am
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJT View Post

My question is, should I attend?
...

What would you do?


I don't think you should attend, and neither should she. I think her presence (whether or not with you in tow) would make things a bit awkward and take away for the main reason everyone is there. I think it would be best that she send a card expressing her remorse at their loss and that she does not feel it would be appropriate to attend (this is what I would do). If they really want her to attend they will say so.
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post #11 of 66
5/7/09 at 11:06am
I can't believe all this bad advice.

Do. Not. Go.

This is decidedly not the girlfriend's choice. It is all about the family of the deceased. She should be thinking hard whether her presence will be a distraction or unwelcome... but even if she is welcome, your presence adds absolutely nothing to the proceedings, aside from the potential for awkwardness, or even pain.

When someone dies young, it can be of comfort to know that at least the young person completed some of the key milestones in the cycle of life. My Aunt died of breast cancer at 33 - but she had been married for a year and that was a great comfort to my grandparents. Their son not having been married, but having been very close with your now-gf, her presence could add a bit of bittersweet longing - maybe they've made their peace with it - but adding you to the mix only hammers home the point that she's moved on. And at the funeral, it's not about moving on from the deceased. It's still about celebrating the life of the deceased. Your presence rubs salt in the wounds.

It might even be different if you knew the deceased, e.g. you all ran in the same circle, in which case one could say that you are paying your respects. But you don't know the deceased. There are no respects for you to pay. Do not go. Think of the family.
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post #12 of 66
5/7/09 at 11:07am
I would make the trip with my GF but I would pass on the services. I am sure this Marine who passed away told his Marine buddies about his ex finance and the new guy she is dating while he was deployed. I could see one of his Marine buddies being really ticked off that you are there and things might get very uncomfortable.

I think your heart is in the right place, but I know how Marines operate and I could see this not going well for you and your gf.
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post #13 of 66
5/7/09 at 11:11am
yes, this. i think your attendance would be disrespectful, no fault of yours.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Douglas View Post
I can't believe all this bad advice.

Do. Not. Go.

This is decidedly not the girlfriend's choice. It is all about the family of the deceased. She should be thinking hard whether her presence will be a distraction or unwelcome... but even if she is welcome, your presence adds absolutely nothing to the proceedings, aside from the potential for awkwardness, or even pain.

When someone dies young, it can be of comfort to know that at least the young person completed some of the key milestones in the cycle of life. My Aunt died of breast cancer at 33 - but she had been married for a year and that was a great comfort to my grandparents. Their son not having been married, but having been very close with your now-gf, her presence could add a bit of bittersweet longing - maybe they've made their peace with it - but adding you to the mix only hammers home the point that she's moved on. And at the funeral, it's not about moving on from the deceased. It's still about celebrating the life of the deceased. Your presence rubs salt in the wounds.

It might even be different if you knew the deceased, e.g. you all ran in the same circle, in which case one could say that you are paying your respects. But you don't know the deceased. There are no respects for you to pay. Do not go. Think of the family.
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post #14 of 66
5/7/09 at 11:14am
Whatever makes your gf comfortable and better. Your bf obligations are to her and not to try to second guess what the family of the deceased may or may not think about you attending.
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post #15 of 66
5/7/09 at 11:16am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Douglas View Post
I can't believe all this bad advice.

Do. Not. Go.

This is decidedly not the girlfriend's choice. It is all about the family of the deceased. She should be thinking hard whether her presence will be a distraction or unwelcome... but even if she is welcome, your presence adds absolutely nothing to the proceedings, aside from the potential for awkwardness, or even pain.



Seriously, have people lost their minds?

"Hi, I'm the guy that is banging the girl your son was so in love with he wanted to marry her. I had nothing to do with her decision to leave him flat. Sorry for your loss"
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