Originally Posted by Mr T
You should feel lonely. There are billions of people in the world and none of them want to spend time with you.
That's the thing that kills me, though (and I know your comment wasn't directed at me)-- I know there are tons of people who would love
to have me as a friend, I know there are tons of girls who would love
to have me as a boyfriend... They just never get to meet me.
And no, it's not because I'm "shy"-- at least not how I understand the term. I'm not "insecure"-- I have alot of shit weighing down on my shoulders, but an inferiority complex isn't one of them. I just have great difficulty insinuating myself into groups of people in situations where purely social interaction is cast in bare relief.
Hey, if there's a pool table, I'll put some money up, and be guaranteed some level of social interaction. You can talk a little bit with the people you're playing with (I'm always 10x better when others initiate), but at the same time there's no pressure to "perform"-- not socially, at least. For a person looking from the outside, it may even appear that I'm with friends, and they in turn are far more likely to initiate conversation with me than if I'm just a creepy loner in the corner. I've made a handful of passing acquantinces this way. The few times in recent memory I've attempted to go somewhere that doesn't
have a pool table, I realized what a social crutch it's become for me.
Seat me at a table with five or so people I know reasonably well, and I'll have all of them roaring with laughter in no time. This is my best side, but a situation in which I find myself precious few times (seriously, I get to go to a restaraunt with non-relatives about once a year on average.) Put me in a club full of total strangers, and with nothing to do, and I'm totally useless.
I'm not in denial. When people make it known that they don't want anything to do with me, I can read the signs. This happens to everyone, though, and I don't think anyone could realistically believe that social rejection alone accounts for my loneliness.
I do have a mild form of prosopagnosia, more demotically known as face-blindness. Basically, I usually have to see a person five or six times before I can remember them, which may nip prospective friendships in the proverbial bud. It also raises the possibility that all the strangers I see around me may not necessarily be strangers. I can't help but believe prosopagnosia has a subtle but profound impact on my social life... I'm always amazed at the sheer number of other people most other people know, and the vast, cross-referenced mental database of social information they have at their disposal. Having to remember all those friends'-friends, relatives, jobs, significant others, ex-significant others, etc. strikes me- quite honestly- as hard work of the most mundane variety, and if it's a choice between that and being lonely, I'd almost prefer to be lonely.
It's certainly not all a direct result of prosopagnosia, but maybe the prosopagnosia has caused certain social skills to atrophy. When I go to the gym, sometimes the guy who works there tries to have a little conversation with me, or occasionally I'll make a joke about a video they're showing on the tvs. It doesn't always go smoothly, and it makes me feel bad- in situations like these in general- that I can't be more yielding.