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Importance of sexual attraction in a marriage - Page 5

post #61 of 68
5/8/09 at 4:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking 88 View Post
Hi guys,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I wasn't expecting such a vibrant discussion!

As I said in my initial post, there are other issues that we've both discovered and discussed. For example, she comes from a family that doesn't express love and affection, and I believe that she subsequently hasn't learned how to love or be loved. She also has lost almost 60 pounds since we got married, so I think she now feels ready to go back in time and live a life that she wasn't able to live when she was heavier.

To those who asked about my appearance and health, the bummer of all this is that I look much better now than I did 10 years ago. I've been exercising and putting on muscle. I'm no Dwayne Johnson, but I look damn good for a 40 year-old man. I've been told I look closer to 35.

At the end of the day, the harsh reality I'm learning to accept is that that base sexual appeal must be there for us to be happy. Despite our best efforts (intellectually, emotionally, physically), we can't seem to make it happen. That's why I wanted to hear your experiences.

Thanks again, all.

Sorry to hear of your situation. You say you're a romantic. That is a type that is especially resistant to the idea of physical attraction being very important to relationships. It sounds like you fundamentally aren't her type physically and that she tried to ignore that because she didn't think she was desirable and now that she's lost weight and her sex drive probably has increased as it often does for women that age.... At least you've been keeping yourself in shape. Thanks for sharing the story. That's rare, although such cases probably are not. For anecdotal research purposes, does anyone know of an active, women-centered relationship or divorce forum? Such a forum might be helpful to you for other reasons.
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post #62 of 68
8/13/09 at 10:18am
Here's the thing. Women get horny when you show an interest in them. Unless there's some serious problem, all you have to do is let her know you find her really attractive and want to have sex with her, and that will get her horny. They need to feel sexy to feel like having sex.
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post #63 of 68
8/13/09 at 4:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking 88 View Post
Hi guys,

I'm hoping you might share some of your experiences and perspective to help a brother in need.

My marriage is on the verge of divorce, largely due to a lack of intimacy and a sex life that has been virtually nonexistent, going back as far as our time spent dating. I won't bore you with why this has occurred, but I will share that my wife has essentially told me that she's not attracted to me.

My question is to those of you who are in long-term relationships with a vibrant and fulfilling sex life. How do you maintain that high level of excitement with your girlfriend or wife. Is it a gut-level, primal attraction, or is it something more ethereal, something that comes from love and a deep emotional connection?

I've always been a romantic and believed that love would lead to a fulfilling sex life, but this experience has taught me otherwise (at least with this one woman). As I look forward, I want to understand just how important that animal attraction is when I hit the dating scene again.

Thanks in advance.
in my experience, it is important to be with someone you vibe sexually with. i feel that you must have a sexual attraction to them in order for the relationship to work. sex and love are very connected in my mind. but obviously you can have sex without love and love without sex, they are both just much more fullfilling when you have both present.

About her saying she is not attracted to you...obviously at some point there was an attraction otherwise you would not be married. even if she says something like that, dont take her for her word. women rarely mean exactly what they say.
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post #64 of 68
8/13/09 at 7:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eason View Post
It's probably one of the most important things in a relationship, whether marriage or just boyfriend/girlfriend. Compatibility and understanding are paramount, and that includes sexual compatibility.

Too true

Quote:
Originally Posted by imatlas View Post
Just about the best predictor for the long term success of a marriage is the frequency of sex. Once a month or less, you're heading for Splitsville. It's not causative, merely indicative.

Again, true.

What's most worrying is that you say there wasn't any chemistry between you too begin with. Not sure that can be fixed, sounds like you may be flogging a dead horse. Do you have kids? I'm guessing not, because that is often a consequence of the "not that attracted to you" problem.

At 40 you still have some gas in the tank, including kids if you want to: but you need to make some hard decisions. Otherwise one of you will (eventually) end up cheating and ditching the other, which is a messy way to end things.

Animal attraction is not the best indicator, since it could pass, but you have to like and enjoy each other, and be compatible. And there is no getting around that some degree physical attraction plays an essential part in that.
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post #65 of 68
8/14/09 at 9:17am
Sexual attraction is the raw matter out of which love is formed. I've learned from personal experience that intellectual and emotional sympathy are simply NOT ENOUGH to sustain a meaningful relationship. Sadly, most people make the mistake of thinking that sexual attraction alone is!

In my opinion, for there to be love there must be a genuine sympathy on all three planes: the sexual, the feeling, the thinking. The foundation of the latter two is SEX. Without a sexual attraction, there is nothing.
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post #66 of 68
8/14/09 at 12:38pm
liek everyone else, sex is key.

But like I heard somewhere before....behind every hot woman is a dude tired of fucking her. After about 4-6 months my interest starts to dwindle and need new tail. Maybe one day Ill find someone to satisfy me longer.
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post #67 of 68
8/19/09 at 12:19am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking 88 View Post
Hi guys, I'm hoping you might share some of your experiences and perspective to help a brother in need. My marriage is on the verge of divorce, largely due to a lack of intimacy and a sex life that has been virtually nonexistent, going back as far as our time spent dating. I won't bore you with why this has occurred, but I will share that my wife has essentially told me that she's not attracted to me. My question is to those of you who are in long-term relationships with a vibrant and fulfilling sex life. How do you maintain that high level of excitement with your girlfriend or wife. Is it a gut-level, primal attraction, or is it something more ethereal, something that comes from love and a deep emotional connection? I've always been a romantic and believed that love would lead to a fulfilling sex life, but this experience has taught me otherwise (at least with this one woman). As I look forward, I want to understand just how important that animal attraction is when I hit the dating scene again. Thanks in advance.
Two timid people together can be a difficult relationship. It is better that at least one is more assertive. On the other hand two very assertive people can also be difficult if neither can make compromises. Absolute lack of physical intimacy and no discussion of this matter can lead to later difficulties. If you both wanted to wait that is one thing. But if you were not doing anything before you married and did not discuss it then maybe it was more difficult to broach the topic after you married? Many people let themselves go after they think they have found the person for them. But this is a mistake. So many are unprepared because of this for when they end up on the market again. If you have let yourself go then start immediately to change this.
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post #68 of 68
8/19/09 at 12:19am
Please see Ian McEwan's On Chesil Beach for advice.
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