The publication GQ (Gay Quarterly) seeks to indoctrinate the American male into a lifestyle of homosexuality. The editors of this glossy fashion mag sanitize homosexual acts under the guise of "metrosexuality" i.e. the urban professional male who is in touch with his feminine side and takes pride in his appearance. I admonish you, nothing could be further from the truth. The metrosexual trend, promoted of late by the Western media is nothing more than an insidious plot initiated by the Chinese Communist High Command. The goal of this plot is clear: the political domination of the civilized world. Think about it, what better way to conquer a proud society of rugged, individualistic men than by "wussification." When the Red Army marches on Washington, there will be no one to defend American liberty, because all the big strong men will be out getting facials and swilling triple lattes. We need to get back to a frame of values in this country in which it is acceptable for men to sit for days at a time in their battered recliners, unshaven, guzzling beer from an open can and letting it drizzle down their lips and onto their sleeveless undershirts. American men should be encouraged to go for weeks without shaving and expectorate in public, secure in the knowledge that the size of their 'loogie' will render them irresistable to female passersby. And speaking of females, equality in the workplace is simply unacceptable. Women need to stop being CEO's and physicians and either return to the home and take care of the bastard kids they produced despite our strenuous objections or be satisfied with secretarial or nursing jobs and quit whining about that feminazi glass-ceiling nonsense. Gender equality inevitably leads to homoerotic sensations amongst males who are not equipped to cope with the diminution of their traditional societal roles. Men, I implore you, drink a beer, grab a girl's butt, make fake farting noises, get your ass down to the record store (that's right, no downloading MP3's) and buy an AC/DC CD or better yet a casette tape, wear faded Van Heusen slacks and stop getting your legs waxed. Take your coffee black and if you must, have a plain donut on the side-no frilly pastries or cream puffs. The future stability of the civilized world may depend on it. Otherwise we will all wake up one day and be saluting Chairman Mao and wondering how the great American experiment went so wrong.
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6/18/05 at 4:12pm