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toddler fights - Page 3

post #31 of 35
I don't think we necessarily disagree. Unfortunately, my son knows all too well how to defend himself. I don't intervene unless the damage incurred will result in intense suffering (the sand thrown in the eyes of the baby incident did happen). I don't tell other people's children not to burp while seated at the dinner table, no matter how strong the urge... Still, I think there might be somewhat of a cultural difference here when you talk of your reluctance to discipline someone else's child.
post #32 of 35
PS: I'm not sure if your son is too young for this, but what about asking him what else he could have done instead of hitting the 5 year old (thus putting himself in danger of being further attacked in a way he couldn't handle)? You, as an adult, could also suggest other ways out of conflict (for example, something along the lines of what Kai suggested...). Your son sounds like he tried initially to handle the provocation without hitting, but was pushed to react as he did because he lacked the words. He sounds like an intelligent kid from what you have said about him till now, I would think that he would be eager to find creative ways of handling conflict that could prove useful his whole life.
post #33 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
PS: I'm not sure if your son is too young for this, but what about asking him what else he could have done instead of hitting the 5 year old (thus putting himself in danger of being further attacked in a way he couldn't handle)? You, as an adult, could also suggest other ways out of conflict (for example, something along the lines of what Kai suggested...).  Your son sounds like he tried initially to handle the provocation without hitting, but was pushed to react as he did because he lacked the words.  He sounds like an intelligent kid from what you have said about him till now, I would think that he would be eager to find creative ways of handling conflict that could prove useful his whole life.
F, I think that you are right about the cultural angle - when I lived in israel it was pretty common form parents to discipline other people's kids, inlcuding about basic etiquite things. and I probrably did it myself. I try not to do it in the states, and I have seen other people do it to other kids and get involved in a major shouting match with parents. But, in terms of what you specificaly stated, I would have stopped a kid throwing sand on a baby, as well. I think that kai handled his conflict in a very creative way, and hats off to him. I went through part of my life looking for "creative" ways to handle conflict, and I am not nessasarily happy with that. I spent another part of my life solving conflicts in a much more direct way, and I am not sure that that is best, either. I think that a lot of the people who are too violent, or too obsessed with guns, or a variety of other weaknessess later on in life are people who are not able to protect themselves comfortably as children, and grow up feeling very insecure about the world. I am significantly less worried about him putting himself in danger of a further attack than I am worried about him becoming too aggresive. the line is very fine. I have no doubt that I could give him the tools he needs to protect himself in this situation; I am not convinced that he will use them correctly, and I am not convinced that it wouldn't be a good lesson for him to get his ass kicked a few more times before I do.
post #34 of 35
Quote:
PS: I'm not sure if your son is too young for this, but what about asking him what else he could have done instead of hitting the 5 year old (thus putting himself in danger of being further attacked in a way he couldn't handle)? You, as an adult, could also suggest other ways out of conflict (for example, something along the lines of what Kai suggested...).  Your son sounds like he tried initially to handle the provocation without hitting, but was pushed to react as he did because he lacked the words.  He sounds like an intelligent kid from what you have said about him till now, I would think that he would be eager to find creative ways of handling conflict that could prove useful his whole life.
There is no creative non direct means of conflict resolution at that age short of taddle tailing.
post #35 of 35
Quote:
I am significantly less worried about him putting himself in danger of a further attack than I am worried about him becoming too aggresive. the line is very fine.
Fists forward... Agressivity in children is natural, and even needs to be expressed. Pushing, pinching arms, cheeks, kicking, pulling hair are common to all children. However, they don't come out of nowhere. In most cases, conflicts are about possessing an object, a toy, about going down the slide first. Agressivity can also manifest itself when a child was denied something, did not get an answer upon a question, or when he/she is bothered during voluntary or forced isolation. Opposition to what is forbidden, inability to deal with frustration. I suppose a stressful family situation or a lack of affection might make those manifestations more frequent. All children fight, but some make it their preferred means of expression. And that behavior leads them to be excluded. Isolation is unbearable to them, which in turn leads them to be even more aggressive. Pretending indifference is the worst of solutions, as children need to be listened to, recognized. A child needs to be protected from his/her own violence, and it is up to the adults to set the limits so that they can better adapt to the real world. Language acquisition helps. But aggressivity must always be expressed, as damage from repressed feelings can cause deeper suffering.
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