Who here has lost their father?

My dad died of cancer when I was 19.

Mine died last may (I was 23). Of course the effect on you will depend on how close you are and many other things. I will agree though that you should try to think of a bunch of things to ask him. For instance my dad was 12 or 13 at the end of WWII and I never even thought to ask him what he thought during the war and when it ended. Also consider doing a video interview with him if he'd like.

My father died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack when I was 21.
I left home in the morning to go to lectures - thankfully I chatted with him at breakfast and waved goodbye as I walked out the door - and when I came home that night he'd been dead for about six hours. That was in pre-mobile phone days, so no-one had been able to contact me to let me know.

I was glad that I'd spoken with him that morning, but the fact that it was so sudden hit me very hard. I had a great relationship with my father, but nonetheless I suddenly realised that there was so much that I wanted to ask him, to talk with him about, and to do with him. The reality of the situation - that I would never ever, see my father again, never ever talk to him, never ever feel his hand on my shoulder or hear his laugh - hit me like a sledgehammer and for a couple of years I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life and I had difficulty focussing on things. I utilised the time by backpacking around Asia and learning a couple of languages, which later came in useful, so I was fortunate in a sense.

Anyway, the moral of the story is - whilst it is incredibly hard to watch your dad dying by degrees, relish the opportunity to do things with him. Talk to him, write things down or record things if you like. Take lots and lots of photos. If he's able to get out and about, go to as many different places as possible. Eat out, see movies or plays, go to parks, re-visit places that had meaning to him at earlier stages of his life and get him to tell you about them. Otherwise, it'll be too late and you'll never get the chance again.

my mother died when i was 11. i was really too young to understand what was happening in the larger sense. but i knew i wouldnt see her again. i guess it never really ever sunk in tbh. even to this day i wonder if i ever really knew her or what it meant to lose her. i suppose i was too young to understand what i lost and grew up the rest of the years relying on my father not really knowing or remembering what a mother was for. sort of sad when i put it that way... but no my life is actually pretty great and im appreciative of my father and all he has done for me and my siblings.

to the OP, I am sorry for what you're going through.


i grew up without a father but i'd known my father-in-law since i was 14. he passed away in july 08 after a 2 year battle with lung cancer. was hard as hell on my wife, me and the kids. was a pretty flawed guy, but a really good hearted soul and there are millions of reminders of him around.

We spent the last few months with him over a lot as he lived for the kids, absorbed as much as we could from him in terms of his sayings and idiosyncrasies.

my grandparents who pretty much raised me also died about 10 months apart which has still been a huge source of pain and created a hole in my life. but the memories are what I have left, and their influence on me as a person. IMO, the person is never really gone, because good or bad they are a part of you in both your DNA and in the behaviors, habits, etc. you pick up from them.

I have always loved this quote:

"The only thing that burns in hell is the part of you that
won't let go of your life: your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away, but they're not punishing you, they're freeing your soul. If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth." - Meister Eckhart

I made a quick response earlier, but I feel like elaborating.

When my dad died, my college advisor told me that no matter what age you are when you lose a parent it comes as a surprise and it's hard to deal with for anyone. I was really close to my dad and I remember thinking of him as my hero in the way that other kids talked about sports stars. I think I still compare myself to him and measure myself against him and I probably always will.

I will not lie to you, the whole experience will likely be rather unpleasant. Losing someone you love no matter who they are is something that never is easy. It's a double edged sword in the sense that if you truly had a good relationship with that person you lost in life, then you feel a deep loss at their death. One mistake I think I made, being pretty young, was not to seek some kind of help. I didn't believe in counselors or psychiatry or anything like that at the time so I didn't really bother to seek any help out. The downside of that was a lot of bad behavior and acting out through alcohol, drugs, and just other general bad behavior that I think was depression over some serious feelings of loss that I just wasn't mature enough to deal with on my own.

In general I would just say it's a very tough process, but be aware that ultimately with help you can process your feelings in a mature way that helps you get some closure. I feel for you and feel free to PM if you want to talk about it.

I lost my dad when I was 8 to stomach cancer. As others have mentioned being that young. You don't really process it. My family didn't talk about him much as I grew up. When I moved out on my own in my early twenties. I really started to feel the loss. I felt I was missing the influence and lessons if you will of a father figure. I guess my point here is that it will be hard absolutely. We must allow ourselves to mourn the loss but appreciate what time we had with them. I wish you and your family courage and love.

Sad thread. I never really knew my dad. I've probably spent less than 200 hours in my life with the man. I know where he lives and on occassion will talk with him for a few minutes.

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 15. I am 32 now, and I still have no idea what to make of it. I wouldn't say we had a great relationship, but then, at age 15, who the hell does?

You get the chance to say your goodbyes. I never had that. You also have to watch him die by degrees, thankfully neither he nor I had to endure that.

Enjoy what's left, and take every chance you get to be with him. I would give anything for that chance now.

god damn i feel lucky to have my father alive

I'm sorry to hear your story. My father died when I was 23 from cancer. We were not very close growing up because he traveled frequently and was a rather quiet man. We did have good quality time together the last year of his life hoever. Much of that was probably due to my maturity and his ability to relate to me more as a man and not a teenager. When he passed away, it was difficult but, I was grateful for the last year together where we both appreciated each other for who we were. In many ways his death pushed me to growup a bit faster and be more realistic than most of my friends and relatives. That was actually good. It really gave me a boost at a very important time of my life.

I also needed to take care of a number of family maters including making major decisions about my mom. That was tough, but somebody had to do it. If that falls upon you, just step up and do it and do the best you can.

I compensated for the loss of my father by finding a mentor. The first one, "Harry" was an amazing guy. Not at all like my Dad but full of life and business experiences and eager to share his wisdom and advice. He contributed greatly to my success in my early career. He didn't take the place of my Dad in any way. But I doubt I would have had that relationship had my father lived. I went on to have one other very important mentor. In each case they expressed to me how much they got out of the relationship, it wasn't just me who benefited.

i lost my dad few years ago from a car accident, still missed him everyday.

show him your love.

Originally Posted by pocketsquareguy

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I'm sorry to hear your story. My father died when I was 23 from cancer. We were not very close growing up because he traveled frequently and was a rather quiet man. We did have good quality time together the last year of his life hoever. Much of that was probably due to my maturity and his ability to relate to me more as a man and not a teenager. When he passed away, it was difficult but, I was grateful for the last year together where we both appreciated each other for who we were. In many ways his death pushed me to growup a bit faster and be more realistic than most of my friends and relatives. That was actually good. It really gave me a boost at a very important time of my life.

I also needed to take care of a number of family maters including making major decisions about my mom. That was tough, but somebody had to do it. If that falls upon you, just step up and do it and do the best you can.

I compensated for the loss of my father by finding a mentor. The first one, "Harry" was an amazing guy. Not at all like my Dad but full of life and business experiences and eager to share his wisdom and advice. He contributed greatly to my success in my early career. He didn't take the place of my Dad in any way. But I doubt I would have had that relationship had my father lived. I went on to have one other very important mentor. In each case they expressed to me how much they got out of the relationship, it wasn't just me who benefited.

slightly off tangent, how did you manage to persuade your mom to go for the decisions you make? my mom is like a immovable rock and maybe i can draw some experiences...

Originally Posted by vitaminc

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slightly off tangent, how did you manage to persuade your mom to go for the decisions you make? my mom is like a immovable rock and maybe i can draw some experiences...

It was very, very difficult. There were somethings that just had to be done. So I just did them and did what was best for her and the situation. Many times my actions were not well received and they created a lot of friction. I saw a therapist at the time and he gave me good advice about how widows behavior changes due to the loss of a spouse. In addition she was dealing with significant depression and anxiety but wasn't treating it. As a result many important things weren't getting done. So someone had to do them. Even my brother and sister turned on me a bit because my mom kept telling them how bad I was treating her. Eventually they realised how much I had helped not only my mom but them as well. But it wasn't an easy task.

Originally Posted by m@T

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Enjoy what's left, and take every chance you get to be with him. I would give anything for that chance now.
This is probably the best advice.
Follow it.
And I know what you mean, m@t.