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Getting the girl back.

post #1 of 70
4/25/05 at 2:52am
Thread Starter 
So my girl of a year and change broke it off with me. Long story short: I love this girl and would rather enjoy spending many more years in her company. Many of you are wise and married or in long-term relationships, so hopefully you may have some advice for this situation. It's really been getting to me to the point that basic day-to-day functions are suffering considerably. Any help is much appreciated. I'm 20 and she's 19, so it could be chalked up to stupid youthful naivete. I'm well aware of that. But at the same time I cannot deny my instincts and my emotions, and I feel as though I would really be dropping the ball if I were to let this one get away.
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post #2 of 70
4/25/05 at 3:43am
I won't promise any good advice, but it would help to know more about the situation. What reason did she give? How has it been lately? Did she already have something else lined up? Do you know how her previous relationships ended (i.e. does she do this every year or so)? Whatever you do, don't go crawling back and make yourself look needy or desparate, etc. That will not win you points in most cases. Give it a little cooling off period.
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post #3 of 70
4/25/05 at 4:04am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
I won't promise any good advice, but it would help to know more about the situation. What reason did she give? How has it been lately? Did she already have something else lined up? Do you know how her previous relationships ended (i.e. does she do this every year or so)? Whatever you do, don't go crawling back and make yourself look needy or desparate, etc. That will not win you points in most cases. Give it a little cooling off period.
It've been a couple of weeks at this point. I'm a bit confused by the reasoning given, but I think it boils down to time constrains and recent unhappiness (there were some issues that involved events being messed up -- Valentine's Day/her birthday in particular, which upset her). She'd not been in any serious relationships prior to this. I've been in a couple.
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post #4 of 70
4/25/05 at 8:09am
You're twenty and she is nineteen. Do you think you want to marry her? Do you really know what you want in a wife? How is she supposed to know what she is looking for afer only one relationship? Both of you should move on to the next partner and enjoy different experiences hile you are young and you can.
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post #5 of 70
4/25/05 at 12:27pm
Quote:
You're twenty and she is nineteen.  Do you think you want to marry her?  Do you really know what you want in a wife?  How is she supposed to know what she is looking for afer only one relationship?  Both of you should move on to the next partner and enjoy different experiences hile you are young and you can.
I'd agree with this. I don't think any of us are trying to trivialize your situation - it's hard, God knows if I were dating a 19 year old I wouldn't want her to leave either. But there are a lot of fish in the sea, and it won't take long before you move on.
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post #6 of 70
4/25/05 at 12:44pm
If you messed up, take a deep breath and figure out what you will have to make it right-- not just for last time, but for any ongoing times that will undoubtedly come up. Offer to talk about it and say what you need to. Don't cave on any issue important to your own self-respect. Nobody wins under that scenario. Just see where you can bend if she bends back. But if she isn't interested, take that as a sign that maybe you're going to be better off trying elsewhere, too.
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post #7 of 70
4/25/05 at 12:44pm
If basic, day-to-day functions are being affected, I would seek out a talk therapist. They are good to bounce your thoughts off of, and you will probably leave the office feeling better. What you do NOT want is to hope the hurt feelings go away while you fall into a depression. That is a serious medical condition, and you don't have to go there. Be proactive about it and find a professional to talk to. Maybe twice a week to start, and slowly taper off.
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post #8 of 70
4/25/05 at 12:59pm
Quote:
It've been a couple of weeks at this point. I'm a bit confused by the reasoning given, but I think it boils down to time constrains and recent unhappiness (there were some issues that involved events being messed up -- Valentine's Day/her birthday in particular, which upset her). She'd not been in any serious relationships prior to this. I've been in a couple.
Every couple has "out" periods. You haven't given any details, but if you were to blame, own up and try to make things right. Communicate, one way or another. This may just be a temporary thing based on both of you being young and easily hurt and pissed off, or it may have just been the catalyst for how she's been feeling for a while. Figure out which one it is. In the former case, it may be fixable. In the former, it may be time to make peace and move on.
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post #9 of 70
4/25/05 at 1:23pm
Alexis makes some good points, you want to be proactive in the situation. I wouldn't go as far as seeing a therapist unless your life is being severly affected for an extended period of time (like 6-8 weeks or more). What you do want to do is talk about the situation. Whatever course of action you take you do not want to keep your emotions and experiences to yourself. Bounce how you are feeling off of parents and your best friends, that's what they're there for. If you find during this process that you made a mistake, own up to it and evaluate your options. God knows I've had my heart stepped on and it was because I made mistakes in the relationship, you just may have to call it experience and move on. As previous posters have said, they're lot's of fish in the sea. Hope this helps. A.
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post #10 of 70
4/25/05 at 1:38pm
Quote:
Many of you are wise and married or in long-term relationships, so hopefully you may have some advice for this situation.  It's really been getting to me to the point that basic day-to-day functions are suffering considerably.
You probably don't want to hear this, but here goes: You are, at 20, really young guy. I am almost 40, and looking back, I had a few serious girlfriends and some heartbreaks in my 20s. I thought each one was THE one, but years later, I thank my lucky stars I never ended up with her. What I'm trying to say is that you are a really young guy, there will be many more girls to come, and you have a hell of a lot of good times ahead of you. if she comes back, great, if she doesn't, it won't be a big deal, because you've only just begun to live. These days few people get married and settled down before 30 anyway.
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post #11 of 70
4/25/05 at 1:59pm
Typical 19 y/o women desire a life something like a soap opera; melodrama with an extra helping of eroticism. So she probably dumped you because either you didn't provide the eroticism (which consists mostly of making her feel sexy) or she was simply bored and wanted to test you. Both of these cases are intractable 99% of the time, so the best advice is to move on. You won't do that though. So, I advise you to go back to her, tell her you love her, give her a 100% mea culpa, and maybe recite some poetry. She will either be so disgusted that she will never want to see you again, or she will take you back and make your life so terrible that you will have to leave. Then you can get on with your life.
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post #12 of 70
4/25/05 at 3:07pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Typical 19 y/o women desire a life something like a soap opera; melodrama with an extra helping of eroticism. So she probably dumped you because either you didn't provide the eroticism (which consists mostly of making her feel sexy) or she was simply bored and wanted to test you. Both of these cases are intractable 99% of the time, so the best advice is to move on. You won't do that though. So, I advise you to go back to her, tell her you love her, give her a 100% mea culpa, and maybe recite some poetry. She will either be so disgusted that she will never want to see you again, or she will take you back and make your life so terrible that you will have to leave. Then you can get on with your life.
Thanks for the comedy relief. She's decidedly atypical. She's 19 going on middle-aged, mentally, although she looks all of 16 sometimes. Thanks for the advice all. I'm all too aware of the potential for me being really stupid about this, but hopefully things will work out for the best. I'm not really a believer in the idea of marrying unless both people are in situations that are stable financially, etc. and we're both college students, so that's not even an option for a few years. I spoke with a therapist a few times not all that long ago (maybe half a year?), and it really didn't do me any good at all. He advised me that I was likely depressed and gave a lot of really obvious advice. It was more frustrating/time consuming than anything else, so I'm not particularly inclined to seek that route again. Thanks again.
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post #13 of 70
4/25/05 at 3:12pm
The character "Roz" from Frasier put it best: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."
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post #14 of 70
4/25/05 at 3:40pm
I think it is worty to try to repair relationships where both want to reapair it. I think it is a waste of time to try to repair a relationship when only one of the two is trying. The effort to really regain her is a lot more difficult than what it was to get her the first time. And the relationship you will end up would be slightly (if not a lot) different from what it used to be. If I where you, I would better concentrate my efforts in spending some time on my own... and eventually find another person to share happy moments.
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post #15 of 70
4/25/05 at 4:25pm
Quote:
Thanks for the comedy relief.  She's decidedly atypical.  She's 19 going on middle-aged, mentally, although she looks all of 16 sometimes.
Everyone thinks their girl is atypical, "not like the others", or whatever. The reason for this is that you can't accept that you would fall in love with a typical girl. You love yourself too much to believe that your emotions are being manipulated by typical 19 y/o girl behavior. If she is so mature, then why did she dump you over some issues that are such nonsense that you can't even articulate them? As bad as you feel now, if you get back together she will make you feel worse in the end. Regarding you comedy relief comment; I was not making a joke, but as Lao Tzu said, "When a foolish man hears of the Tao, he laughs out loud."
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