Here's something I wrote about the subject four years ago:
Quote:
Subject: Caesar Millan: Dog Whisperer: ~SECRETS~ I am a Caesar Millan: Dog Whisperer. No, I am not a dog trainer and I am not a dog psychologist- nor for that matter will I channel your dear Smooshie from the next world- I am a dog behaviorist. I guess I could help you win blue ribbon for every golly-gee-whiz doggie stunt competition at any county fair; I could, if I wanted to, but I don't. But when your dog is behaving erratically, lunging at strangers, biting at your heels when you try to leave the house, I blow in like a zephyr from an exotic land, done up in a Gap shirt and bleached at the tips, and lay down some science to correct the dog behavior problem at hand. Tuesday's assignment: "Belle just mopes around the house all day. When it's time for her walk, she refuses to budge," the woman sitting across from me explains. Thousands of television viewers can see the way she touches her hair when she talks to me, the way she stifles her nervous laughter whenever I make a joke; this is apparent to everyone-- everyone except her husband. You can bet your bottom dollar, the Caesar banged her. Caesar doesn't doubt that when these uniformly barren dog women- whose uniformly schlubby husbands apparently at one point tried going metro, but never could never quite navigate their way back to either shore- first receive the mailing informing them that National Geographic's Caesar Millan will be visiting them, the very name plants a seed in their minds, leaving them battling adulterous fantasies of wild mediterranean romance; yet it is my porcelain, non-threatening asiatic features that disarms them, leaves them... vulnerable. Let me let you in on a little secret around here: the Caesar bangs all of the dog women. I explain the basics to her: you must choke the dog's head upwards when he is lagging behind and you must only show affection when the dog is in a submissive state. My advice to these people is always the same: dog problems come from dog unhappiness, and dog unhappiness comes not from lack of accommodation but rather from lack of assertiveness. When you have mastered the behavior of the dog, you are 90% to having mastered the behavior of the woman? Friday's assignment: The Gautier family and their Labrador retriever, Sasha. Jeanne Gautier- a freshly menopausal little number- brings me and my crew out back; tagging along behind us is her fat schlub of a husband Troy who looks kind of like Edward Herrmann as a glassy-eyed acid casualty. She points to her dog out in the yard, running around in circles for minutes on end. "Our dog Sasha has a tail-chasing problem," she explains. "What a coincidence," I think secretly to myself, "so does the Caesar dog."
